The Real Story of Harry Potter
by Marauder
Summary: J.K. Rowling is kidnapped by the characters in Harry Potter and put on trial for misrepresenting them in her books. But a force darker than their anger is after her... Complete. SBxRL, RWxHG. Written before OotP.
1. The Kidnapping

**Note:** Every once in a while a truly excellent fic comes along. One of particular brilliance. One that earns the author a legion of fans and inspires the whole fandom.

This is not one of those fics.

In September of 2002 I was tired of waiting for OotP and out of frustration and boredom wrote this truly bizarre piece of "literature". JKR is kidnapped and put on trial by the wizarding community of Great Britain for misrepresenting them in her books. What begins as a trial evolves into an increasingly random epic involving Rowena Ravenclaw, sherbet lemons, RL/SB, Moulin Rouge, and a cast of OOC characters, including JKR herself. Not to mention weredachshunds, Voldemort, RW/HG, and the ghost of Tom Riddle's mother. Think Mel Brooks meets HP.

There are a few allusions in here to Ballyharnon's fic Of Linen. The opinions stated about it are solely those of the (AU) characters; they are not mine. Hey, if someone wrote a fic in which you/your boyfriend was an opium addict and it wasn't true, would you be happy? grins

There are some places in which "lemon drops" should really be "sherbet lemons". I left it for the sake of the historical accuracy of my ignorance.

May JKR forgive me for this fic. As Oscar Wilde would say, "Each man kills the thing he loves", and I think I just about killed the Potterverse here.

**Chapter One: The Kidnapping**

"Chapter Two," I wrote, "The Owl." Oh great! One of my nails is chipped. You can call me a narcissist, but it just BOTHERS me to write when there's this big glaring chip in my nail polish. Just as I stood up to go for the nail polish remover, the phone rang. It was my agent.

"Joanne! I hate to be blunt, but WHERE'S THE BOOK?"

"It's coming, for the last time," I said, trying to decide between magenta and blue polish as I spoke.

"Look, honey, I know you're busy. What with all these signings and appearances and all....but the public's starting to get really restless. If the new movie wasn't coming out, I think they might start a riot or something. And have you read some of the stories on ? They make your characters do the strangest things. Before long, people will have forgotten who your real characters are!"

"I see your point," I said. The manicure would have to wait. I went back to the computer.

"Just keep writing. I'll be in touch. Bye."

"Bye."

I took a deep breath, sat down, and placed my hands on the keyboard.

After what seemed like hours, I opened my eyes again. But I wasn't at my house in Edinburgh anymore. I was sitting in what looked like....a courtroom!?!

"All rise for the honorable Albus Dumbledore," intoned a deep voice. "Court is now is session."

As my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized that a tall man with long white hair was approaching the judge's bench. A queasy feeling came over my stomach. "Wait a second!" I cried. "What is going on here?"

Dumbledore looked at me and answered. "You are on trial, Ms. Rowling, for misrepresenting the wizarding community of Great Britain."

"But I how did I get here?" I asked, now a bit scared.

"Officers from the Ministry of Magic turned your computer into a Portkey while you were on the phone. We figured that it was the easiest way."

"All right," I said, my stomach sinking to my feet, "I admit that I changed a few details, and I'm sorry. But look at all the fame I've gotten you! Millions of children know your names!"

"Our names and false information," said Dumbledore gravely. "But I am only the judge here. Your lawyer will be Miss Hermione Granger. Representing the wizarding community of Great Britain is Professor Minerva McGonagall."

"Wait! You know, I wasn't really expecting all of this. Could I have a few minutes to speak to Miss Granger and prepare some sort of a defense?"

"You have five minutes," said Dumbledore. "Miss Granger is sitting over there."

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I left the stand and walked over to the table Dumbledore was pointing to.

Hermione was sorting through some papers. "Oh, hello," she said. "I know I might not be much of an attorney, but I did help out Hagrid with Buckbeak's case and I've spent loads of time researching in the library for you. You're rather lucky you've got anyone to represent you, most of the wizards are quite angry."

"Look, I know that I changed some things about them," I said. "But I never intended to hurt anyone!"

"I know, I know," said Hermione reassuringly. "Now, we've only got a few minutes. The main people who are angry with you are Snape, Sirius, Filch, Malfoy, and Percy. Testifying for our side are Ron, Harry, Lupin, and Hagrid. I'm going to try and play up the whole 'artistic license' point of view."

"All right," I said. The gavel banged and court came back to order. I walked back to the stand.

"Ms. Rowling," said Dumbledore, "first we will clear up some of the preliminary facts of the case."

"All right."

"On 1996, did you receive owl post from Harry Potter while on a train?"

"Yes."

"And what did this letter say?"

"He said he had a story he was willing to tell me, thought it might make an excellent book. I met with him a week later and he told me the whole story."

"Thank you."

Professor McGonagall stood up. "The prosecution would like to call Sirius Black to the stand."


	2. Like A Brother

**Chapter Two: Like A Brother**

A tall man with long black hair took the stand. "Please state the nature of your complaint," said McGonagall crisply.

"Although Ms. Rowling has accurately reported most things about me, she has neglected one of the fundamental aspects of my character," said Sirius.

"Oh no," I whispered, "not...."

"Ms. Rowling has refused to acknowledge the fact that Remus Lupin is my lover." He turned and glared at me. "What was all that 'like a brother' crap about?"

"Wait a second!" I stood up. "Look, Sirius, I'm really sorry. I'm not homophobic or anything - " he glared at me " - but the public isn't ready for that kind of stuff in a kid's book. I mean, I never wrote that you were straight or anything, I just decided it wasn't essential to the plot."

"You know, any decent author would have written in the snogging scene that happened in the Shrieking Shack," he said, giving me a murderous stare. "I mean, it was a bit of a shock for Harry to see his favorite professor kissing someone he thought killed his parents."

"Well, I left everything else the way it was!"

"That's not the point!"

"I'VE GOT A CHILD TO SUPPORT!" I roared. "DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE BACK ON THE DOLE AGAIN?" I took a deep breath and tried to relax. "I apologize. I really am sorry. But I've got enough conservative groups after me as it is without adding in gay relationships."

"I thought you were braver than that," said Sirius softly.

"How much do I have to apologize? I've got myself to look after too, you know. Some psycho probably would have killed me!"

"WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" bellowed Sirius. Dumbledore banged on the gavel.

"Look, Sirius, if you can't control yourself..."

"Sorry, sir."

McGonagall cleared her throat and gave Dumbledore a look that clearly said she wanted to resume questioning, thank you very much. He nodded.

"Mr. Black, how has Ms. Rowling's misrepresentation affected you?"

"Well, it's caused a huge split between Remus and me. He's testifying for the defense today. He thinks it was her right to do it and I say it falls just short of slander. He moved out last week."

"Oh God," I whispered to Hermione, "I feel like such an idiot! I never wanted them to break up!"

"And Harry's on Remus's side too. Because of this woman, I've lost my lover and things are strained between my godson and I."

I held my head in my hands. "Sirius," I gasped, tears in my eyes, "I am so sorry."

"I'll drop charges," he said, "If you'll go back and correct it."

"I can't do that!"

"Well, then I'm afraid that my testimony stands," he said. Hermione jumped up.

"Are you done now?" she asked McGonagall.

"Yes, Miss Granger, no further questions. I don't suppose you would have some?" asked McGonagall dryly.

"Yes, I do," said Hermione. "Now Sirius," she asked. "What did you think of Ms. Rowling's descriptions of Severus Snape?"

"Inaccurate, but I laughed as I read them," said Sirius. "I mean, she took the vainest man I know and turned him into a hook-nosed, greasy-haired, ugly git."

"Would you agree that her inaccurate descriptions of Severus Snape should be taken out of the books?"

"All right Hermione, you're not so clever that I can't see through this one as easily as Mad-Eye Moony can see through Invisibility Cloaks," said Sirius. "I actually would agree that those misrepresentative descriptions, funny as they were, should be taken out on a matter of principle."

"Are you aware of Article 720-A in the Wizard Protection acts?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, it states that all wizards, witches, and Muggles writing about them should have freedom of speech and artistic license. However, Hermione, are you aware of Article 721-B, which states that inaccurate facts about real people should be either changed to reflect the truth or accompained by a disclaimer at the start? You know, Ms. Rowling, they have those disclaimers on And some of those slash fics have got a better grasp on me than you do. Although I quite hated that really long one that had Remus as an opium addict...."

"Are there any further questions, Miss Granger?" asked Dumbledore.

"No."

"You may step down," said Dumbledore to Sirius. Sirius left the standing, mumbling, "Like a brother, my ass," as he walked to his seat.

"I should have known he'd do something like that," said Hermione to me. "I mean, he was clever enough to escape Azkaban, something like this would be a snap."


	3. Remus's Secret

**Chapter Three: Remus's Secret**

It was the defense's turn to call a witness. "The defense would like to call Remus Lupin to the stand," said Hermione.

Remus sat down and folded his hands. He looked even more sick and tired than he usually did, I thought. Oh, if I had known that my stupid book would cause him to break up with Sirius....

"Please state the nature of your cause," said Hermione.

"I think that Ms. Rowling is fully protected by Act 720-A, and I also think that it is within her right as an author to change the story as she sees fit."

"Are you satisfied with Ms. Rowling's portrayal of you?"

"Yes. Of course, it isn't completely accurate, but that's her right."

"No further questions."

McGonagall stood up. "Mr. Lupin, as one of the conditions of being allowed to testify, you have previously sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, correct?"

"Correct," said Remus, starting to look a tad nervous.

"Then you will answer the questions I am about to ask you truthfully."

"Yes."

"Until you moved out last week, was Sirius Black your lover?"

"Yes."

"Did many people know that he was your lover?"

"No."

"Closet case," whispered Hermione. "Oh, I hate to think of where she might go with this one."

Strangely enough, she let it drop and moved on in a different direction.

"When you were in school, did you tell a lie to Professor Dumbledore about the nature of your condition?"

"Which condition would you be referring to?"

"Did you lie to Professor Dumbledore about being a werewolf?"

"Yes."

"Of course you did!" yelled Sirius from the audience. "Just like you had to lie about us. You thought who you really were was far too embarrassing."

"SHUT UP SIRIUS!" screamed Remus.

"I WON'T! I WON'T, BECAUSE I'M TELLING THE TRUTH AND YOU KNOW IT!"

Dumbledore banged the gavel, but it did no good. There seemed to be no way of restraining them.

"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY ACT 720-A, YOU'RE JUST HIDING BEHIND IT SO NO ONE WILL FIND OUT YOUR SECRET! THIS ISN'T ABOUT HER, IT'S ABOUT YOU!"

"SHUT YOUR BLASTED MOUTH!"

Dumbledore pulled out his wand. "_Silencio!_"

Both of their mouths kept moving, but no sound was coming out. "That's better," said Dumbledore. "You may continue your questioning, Minerva."

"Are you really a werewolf?"

"No," said Remus, sound coming from his mouth again. Sirius was still furiously shouting without noise.

"Could you please tell us what you are?"

Remus mumbled something.

"Could you repeat that?"

"Awrdksnd."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't..."

"A WERE-DACHSHUND!"

The court roared with laughter. Remus's face went red. "See, this is why I could never tell anyone. People might despise werewolves, but were-dachshunds are another thing altogether."

He looked at me. "Maybe I am selfish, and maybe I'm only testifying to save myself. I honestly don't know. But," he added, looking at Dumbledore, "Ms. Rowling is too good of a person to make others suffer. She would have never changed things about Sirius and me if she knew we would break up. And she IS protected by law."

"You may step down," said Dumbledore.


	4. Potions Studs and Polyjuice Secrets

**Chapter Four: Potions Studs and Polyjuice Secrets**

McGonagall called Snape as her next witness. A collective female sigh rose from the audience. And indeed, the man walking up the stand was breathtaking.

He had coal-black hair and chiseled, manly features. His robes were a dark green, which brought out the brown of his eyes. "I am a married woman," I told myself, "I am a married woman...."

"Please state your complaint."

"My name is Professor Severus Snape."

Another swoon from the audience.

"Ladies, please control yourselves. I'm upset with the way that J.K. Rowling has portrayed me in her books. Obviously, as you can all see, I'm not ugly, and I wash my hair every day, thank you very much. Her portrayal of me has hurt my image as the four-time cover model of Playwitch, and my career is suffering."

"Oh, get over it," muttered Hermione. "If anything's hurting his Playwitch career, it's the fact that he isn't...how do I put it....particularly well-endowed."

I gave her a suspicious glance.

"Not that I ever look at Playwitch or anything...all right, so I do, but I read it for the articles!"

"Also, my girlfriend broke up with me, and I'm having a hard time finding another one."

A blonde witch in the back of the court stood up. "Severus! What about all those things you said last night?"

"Excuse me," said Snape icily, "do I know you?"

The witch ran out of the courtroom sobbing.

"Professor McGonagall, do you have any questions?" said Dumbledore, exasperated.

"None."

"Miss Granger?"

"No."

"This court will recess until seven A.M. tomorrow morning."

"Hermione!" I hissed. "Aren't you going to ask him any questions?"

"Nothing I ask them is going to do much good. I already brought up the law and I can't exactly contradict their testimony, can I? I mean, it's obvious that Snape isn't ugly and Sirius and Remus were lovers."

"Well, you could be a bit more of a help!"

"Don't worry! When we get to our witnesses, I'll bring out tons of things. I did an all right job with Remus, didn't I?"

"Well, all right. I guess I'll just have to trust you."

"Don't worry, Joanne, they don't have a leg to stand on. In Muggle court this would have been thrown out already. Now come on. We're meeting Harry, Ron, Hagrid, and Remus at the Three Broomsticks to discuss our strategy."

On the way out, I saw Snape in the corner giving autographs to a crowd of eager witches. "Where's the door out?" I asked Hermione.

"I think it's this one. This place is so confusing, I've gotten lost three times already today."

We pulled open a large, elaborately carved door with a brass handle. But it wasn't to the outside.

It was to a large room. Standing in front of us was Dumbledore, leaning over a man who was lying on the floor. Hermione and I exchanged nervous and questioning looks. She put one finger to her lips in a "quiet" gesture, and I nodded.

Suddenly, Dumbledore began to change. His hair and beard were shortening, his nose was straightening out, and he was shrinking. "Wormtail!" he called. "Bring me the Polyjuice Potion!"

Hermione gasped. I clamped my hand over her mouth.

Peter Pettigrew came into the room and handed a goblet to the man. "Here you are, my lord."

"Get me some of his hair."

As we watched, speechless, Pettigrew turned the man on the floor over and pulled out a few hairs. It was Dumbledore. And, as you may have guessed, the other man was none other than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort.


	5. The Three Broomsticks

**Chapter Five: The Three Broomsticks**

As Hermione and I watched in horror, Voldemort transformed back into Dumbledore. "There, that's better. Now, Wormtail, you had better assume rat form and travel in my pocket."

"Yes, my lord." Within a split second, a rat stood in Pettigrew's place. Voldemort bent down, scooped him up, and placed him in the side pocket of his burgundy robe. Taking the Polyjuice Potion with him, he left through the other door.

Hermione and I stared at each other, still shocked. "What are we going to do?" she whispered.

"Enlist reinforcements," I said in a confident voice. However, my shaking hands betrayed me. "Oh my God, Hermione, you're going to have to help me. I'm a Muggle, remember, Voldemort could kill me like _that._"

"You're right, though, we should get some help. After all, I don't think an underage witch and a Muggle writer will be much good alone." She took a deep breath. "The best thing we can do now is to pretend we don't know anything about this. If You-Know...all right, if _Voldemort_ knows, that's it for us. Now, I think we'd better meet Harry and the others at the Three Broomsticks like we said we would."

"Are we going to tell them?"

"I think we should. They'll have other ideas, and of course Harry will want to know. Now come on, before someone finds us in here."

We went back out the door we had come in and found ourselves in the corridor once more. "My broomstick's on the rack over there," said Hermione. "I only bought it last week...it's a second-hand Nimbus 2000. You can sit on the back and I'll steer, there should be room for both of us."

The second she kicked off the ground, my stomach gave a terrible lurch. "Hermione, do you suppose you could fly a bit more slowly?" I asked.

"I'm only doing seven miles per hour."

We flew over Hogsmeade, my stomach doing some sort of horrid dance in my abdomen. "Look, I don't think I'm cut out for flying. Maybe it's a Muggle thing. You don't suppose we could land and walk, do you?"

"No, we're almost there. See, it's the one with the golden rooftop."

We landed after anther tortuous minute. "All right," said Hermione, "we're here. I wonder if they've arrived yet....Joanne? Are you going to be sick?"

"No, I'm fine."

Inside the Three Broomsticks, we saw Harry and Ron at one of the back tables. "Oh, hello," said Ron, when he looked up from their game of wizard's chess and saw us. "Hagrid and Lupin aren't here yet. Hagrid wanted to but a new collar for Fang...don't know what happened to Lupin....are you all right? You look a tad green."

"She's been through a lot today," said Hermione, sitting down next to Harry. I took the seat next to Ron, and Hermione told them what we had seen.

"I should have known Voldemort was behind this," said Harry.

"Why," I asked, "did your scar hurt?"

"No. In fact, I think it's fading a bit."

"Did you have a dream or something?"

"No."

"Then why should you have known Voldemort was behind this?"

"Well," said Harry, "when has Voldemort ever NOT been behind something?"

"Good point."

At that moment, Hagrid and Remus came in together. Hermione, whose throat was beginning to sound sore, told them what she had told Harry and Ron.

Remus paled. "Everyone has always said Dumbledore's the only wizard Voldemort ever feared, and if now he's captured him...."

"Wish we knew Dumbledore's secret," said Ron miserably.

Hagrid had been very quite during Hermione's story and now he spoke. "Well," he said, "We can't take Dumbledore back now, or You-Know-Who'll know that we know he's up to summat. So we can't go an' try to ask him. But even if Professor Dumbledore is the only wizard You-Know-Who's scared of, there's still some pretty powerful ones out there who'd be on our side."

"But it has to be someone we can trust," said Remus. "Someone who we know for sure isn't a Death Eater, someone smart enough to defeat him. Not that you lot are all useless," he added, glancing hastily at Harry and Hermione, "but a brilliant fully trained wizard is more useful than a brilliant young one."

Harry looked up suddenly. "Sirius," he said. "Sirius, he's perfect. He's obviously clever, he and my dad were the two smartest students at Hogwarts in their day. And he escaped from Azkaban. And when it comes to someone we know isn't a Death Eater....well, you can't be less of a Death Eater than Sirius."

"Now we need to decide who'll convince him to help us," said Ron, with a crafty smile on his face. All eyes landed on Remus.

"Oh no, I'm not the one," he said. "He's too angry at me. No, it should be Harry."

"All right then, both of you," I said. "It should be easy too, I don't see why he shouldn't believe you."

"But what I don't understand," said Hermione, "is why Voldemort's after Joanne. What does a Muggle matter to him?"

"Oh come on Hermione, you're not that thick," said Ron.

"She's told the world all he's done, Hermione," said Hagrid. "Millions an' millions of people know who he is an' what he's done. There's some crazy Muggles out there, I can jus' see a group of 'em decidin' that the things in her books were real an' goin' out lookin' for Volde- I mean, You-Know-Who."

"We ought to all say his name," said Harry. "That's one advantage Dumbledore's got, he isn't afraid of his name."

"Don't know what got into me," said Hagrid. "I've never almos' said it before."

"Time to start," said Remus. "Repeat. Voldemort."

Hagrid looked scared out of his wits. "It's easy," said Harry. "I've said it loads of times and I'm not dead yet. Come on. Just the Vol part."

"Vol," whispered Hagrid.

"Now the de."

Hagrid began to sob. "I can't...it's too dangerous..."

Hermione patted him on the back. "That's all right. Now, we'd better get back to Hogwarts. Joanne, you're staying in the dorm with me.

Harry yawned. "NOT you," said Hermione, "you've got to go with Remus and get Sirius on our side. Now let's go. Don't worry," she said, when she saw the look on my face, "we'll walk to the basement of Honeydukes."


	6. Why Invisibility Cloaks Should be Used W...

**Chapter Six: Why Invisibility Cloaks Should Be Used With Caution**

Half an hour later, we were gathered in Hermione's dormitory, discussing our plan. Hermione and I sat on her bed, Ron and Harry sat on Lavender's, Remus sat on Parvati's, and Hagrid, probably afraid of flattening a bed, stood by the door.

"I've already sent an owl to Sirius," said Harry. "He should be here in about half an hour. I told him that Remus and I wanted to talk to him. We'll talk in my dorm, I think."

"What's wrong with the common room?" asked Ron.

"Well," said Harry, giving Ron a pointed look, "I thought that after Remus and Sirius reconcile, they might want to be, you know, alone...."

"Look, Harry, we aren't so sex-crazed that the minute you leave us alone we'll be on each other," Remus said, glaring. "Besides, we wouldn't ever use someone else's room."

"Well, I give you permission," said Harry, but a look from Hermione told him to shut up.

"I think what we ought to do," said Hermione, "is try to settle out of court. Voldemort won't object, or else it would make him look too suspicious. And if we settle out of court, he can't send Joanne to Azkaban."

"He's got to have some sort of plan," said Remus, "some reason he wants to keep her and the rest of us alive for a while. Or else he'd have killed Dumbledore, us, and anyone else who isn't a Death Eater."

"We oughta get yer brother Percy on our side too, Ron," said Hagrid. "He's fully trained now, and he was Head Boy and everythin'."

"We should let McGonagall in on what we know, too," said Ron. "Oh, I wish we had some way to spy on Voldemort."

"There's the Invisibility Cloak," said Harry, "but that's too risky."

A large smile came over Hermione's face, and she began to dig under the bed.

"What're yeh lookin' for?" asked Hagrid.

"Probably some library book that details the ways to spy on and outwit a Dark Lord, something she picked up for light reading," said Ron, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up," came Hermione's voice from under the bed. She emerged a second later with a jar.

"If that's one of your fires in a jar, I don't think setting Voldemort on fire is going to work," said Ron.

"Ron, shut your mouth and use your brain for once," snapped Hermione. She pointed at the large brown beetle in the jar and raised one eyebrow.

"Hermione," said Harry, "you are a genius."

"I know."

"Could someone fill me in?" asked Remus.

"Hermione found out that Rita Skeeter is an unregistered Animagus, and is keeping her in that jar," I expalined. "She's perfect to use as a spy."

"Can we trust her, though?" asked Ron. "I mean, we don't know anything about whether she was ever a Death Eater or not."

"Good point," said Hermione, "but we'll keep her on hand."

"We should contact Alastor Moody too," said Remus. "An Auror like that should be a great help."

There was a knock on the door. "It's Sirius," said a voice from the other side. "Sorry I'm early."

"That's all right," said Harry. He turned to Hermione and me.

"Joanne, you and Hermione can put together a list of all the witches and wizards we should contact about this. And Ron, you can send them owls saying to meet us somewhere or another.....Diagon Alley, maybe, they can Apparate and we can use Floo Powder. Not Hogsmeade, where Voldemort will be. Don't tell them what it's about, in case the letter's intercepted."

He and Remus stood up and went out the door. Hagrid and Ron followed a second later, Hagrid saying he wanted to give Fang the new collar and Ron wanting to get Pigwidgeon from the owlry. Hemione and I were left alone.

Hermione turned to me. "Oh, sure, we get the paperwork. Let's see....McGonagall, Moody, probably Ron's dad...not Fudge, he's had enough opportunities to prove he isn't a stupid git and failed every one of them. Probably all the Hogwarts professors. Can you think of anyone else?"

"No."

We stopped talking for a second. We could hear voices coming from Harry's dormitory.

"I wonder what they're talking about," said Hermione. "Just out of curiosity..." She stopped and stared.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I think Harry left his Invisibility Cloak in the common room last night," she said. A devilish smile moved across her face. "Let's go and spy on them."

Giggling like two little girls, we tiptoed down to the common room and saw that Hermione was right. Our hands clamped over our smiles, we slipped on the cloak and went back upstairs.

"This is so childish," whispered Hermione.

"Do you think we shouldn't?"

"Of course not!"

Inside Harry's dormitory, Sirius was looking very grave. "We'll need as much help as we can get," he said. "But I agree with you, Harry, the best thing to do now is to pretend we know nothing."

Harry nodded. "I'll go find Ron and tell him you're back on our side," he said. He walked right past us and shut the door.

Hermione mouthed something to me. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought she mouthed, "Oh SHIT!"


	7. The Accidental Voyeurs

**Chapter Seven: The Accidental Voyeurs**

We were stuck. To open the door now and leave would incriminate us, and by the way Sirius was looking at Remus, I highly doubted they were going to keep the promise Remus had made about not using other people's rooms. Hermione squirmed.

"The window is open," I whispered.

Remus jumped. "Did you hear something?" he asked Sirius.

"No."

"Sounded like whispering."

"Probably just the wind," said Sirius. He put his arm around Remus's waist and they started kissing. I blushed.

Putting my mouth as close as I could to Hermione's ear and whispering as quietly as I could, I said, "Climbing out the window's our best bet, I think."

Sirius pulled away from Remus. "Wait a minute, now I hear something. You're right, it doesn't sound like the wind." He paused. "Is anyone in here?"

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Sirius, who would be in here?" He pulled Sirius close and kissed him so long I thought both of them would pass out from lack of oxygen. They took a step closer to the bed. At the same time, Hermione and I moved towards the window. Luckily, they didn't hear the sound.

"It's getting cold in here," said Remus. We moved another few steps, putting us right in front of the window.

"You're right. I'll shut the window."

Hermione gasped. Sirius jumped. "All right, who's in here!"

"Sirius, for God's sakes, no one is in this room but you and me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were getting paranoid. Now shut the window and get over here, you stud."

Hermione and I clamped our hands over our mouths, shaking with laughter. As Sirius walked towards the window, however, mirth left us and we ducked, narrowly missing his hand.

Both escape routes were gone. We had two options, and both were embarrassing: we could huddle by the window and try to avert our eyes from the activities on the bed (at that moment, both men were bare-chested and furiously kissing like there was no tomorrow), or we could show ourselves, explain and apologize, and leave. Because there was no way we would get out the door unnoticed...or maybe we could. Remus and Sirius were facing the other way and obviously very distracted. I whispered this to Hermione. She nodded, and we moved towards the door.

My hand reached out and touched the doorknob. I glanced back; they were still at it. I turned the knob.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Hermione tripped slid and fell on the tail of the cloak, which had been dragging on the floor. Exposed, we fell to the floor.

"Remus, I believe we have some visitors," said Sirius dryly. "_If _I didn't know better, I'd say you were getting too trusting. Hello Joanne, Hermione. Fancy meeting you here."

"Sirius..."

"It's not what it looks like...."

"Then perhaps you'd better tell us what it is," said Remus, sitting up and looking quite irritated.

"Well," began Hermione, "we'd written the list and we got bored...."

"Oh, I see, so you decided to spy on us out of _boredom,_" said Sirius. "Not out of voyeurism or anything like that...."

"Excuse me, but we are better people than that," I said, standing up and glaring.

"I would NEVER do something like that!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Oh, so I suppose the copies of Playwitch under your bed belong to someone else?" asked Sirius.

"Look," I said, not wanting to increase the wrath of an Animagus and his were-dachshund lover, "we've acted rather childishly. We thought we'd spy on Harry and Remus getting you back over to our side. _And,_ due to something that _someone _with the initials R.J.L. said, we were under the mistaken impression that you two would never use someone else's bedroom."

"I did say that, Sirius," said Remus. "Some of the fault lies with me...not much, though," he added. "I believe you aren't voyeurs, and I forgive you." He gave Sirius a pointed look.

"All right, I believe you," said Sirius wearily. "Now, could you please leave?"

"Certainly," we said in unison, and ran out the room as fast as our legs could carry us.


	8. The Password

**Chapter Eight: The Password**

I woke up the next morning to a rapping on the door. Groggily, I rolled out of bed and opened it. It was Ron. "What are you two doing still asleep?" he said, glancing at Hermione snoring on her bed. "Breakfast is in the common room, I had Dobby and Winky bring it there for us. Hermione! Wake up!"

Hermione sat up with a start and looked with a glazed sort of look at Ron. Suddenly, her hand went to her head. I laughed....her usually textured hair now resembled an Afro. "Come on Hermione, time for breakfast."

"Did I hear someone say something about the common room?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Ron, "breakfast is in there. House-elves brought it for us. Now comb your hair and-"

"Ron! You made the poor house-elves go through all the trouble of bringing breakfast all the way up to the Gryffindor tower? When we could have just gone down to the Great Hall? It's bad enough they're cooking for us during the summer, without you having to - "

"Oh, come off it Hermione, you know they were thrilled. Oh, and Jo, Dobby's desperate to meet you. We'd better go down now before he has a heart attack or something. Don't worry about getting dressed, we're all still in our night things."

We proceeded down the stairs into the common room. The second I stepped off the last stair, a small, fast-moving bundle of energy rammed into me and threw its arms around my waist."

"Ms. Rowling! Ms. Joanne Kathleen Rowling! Dobby is so excited to meet you, miss! Even thought you have changed some things about Dobby, who would never ever injure Harry Potter with a cursed Bludger! And Dobby's fashion sense is a _little_ better than Ms. J.K. Rowling says....Dobby wears a beret, miss, not a tea cosy! But it is a small matter....Winky! Come and meet Ms. Rowling!"

Winky walked up to me slowly and batted her eyes demurely. She held out her hand. "Winky is most happy to meet you, miss."

"Dobby and Winky have made coffee and scrambled eggs for Ms. Rowling! Come and sit!"

I took a seat next to Harry, who, true to Ron's word, was still in his pajamas. Hermione sat on my other side. Across from me was Sirius, with Remus on his right. Both men were wearing bathrobes, and I had a sneaking suspicion that nothing was underneath.

Next to Remus was a very large empty chair, and then Ron. Harry noticed me eyeing the vacant chair. "Hagrid's coming to breakfast too," he said.

"That is," Ron said, "if he can get past the Fat Lady." Harry nudged him and scowled.

Sirius turned to Harry. "Why shouldn't he be able to get past the Fat Lady, he knows the password, doesn't he?"

"Well," said Ron, with a look of mischief on his face that I usually associated with Fred and George, "the password's changed."

"What do you mean, changed?" demanded Remus, setting down his coffee cup.

Sirius gave Harry a look that will be referred to hereon as the Sirius Black Tell-Me-The-Truth-Or-I'll-Kill-You Look, or SBTMTTOIKYL. "Harry. Tell us all now what happened with the password."

Before Harry could speak, Hagrid's voice came from outside the portrait hole. "'Ave you all gone an' changed the password on me?"

"Yeah, sorry," Ron called. "Here, I'll write it down and pass it under the door." Grabbing a quill and paper napkin, he scrawled something and shoved it hastily under the portrait hole.

Hagrid uttered a series of expletives that I will delete.

"Ron! You changed the password to THAT!" exclaimed Hermione.

"No, no, not THAT!" answered Harry. "He hasn't said it yet."

Sirius shot him the SBTMTTOIKYL. "What. Is. The. Password."

"Well..."

"We thought we'd try and help Hagrid get over his problem with..."

"It's for his own good...."

Hagrid's voice came stuttering from outside. "Vol-vol-vol..."

"Come on Hagrid, you're almost there," called Remus. Sirius gave him a modified version of the SBTMTTOIKYL that will be referred to hereon as the Sirius Black Be-Quiet-Or-You-Sleep-On-The-Couch Look, or SBBQOYSOTCL.

"Harry," Sirius said, "sometimes you remind me of James so much that it scares me."

"Come on Hagrid, it isn't that hard," called Hermione.

"Just try breaking it up into smaller parts," I said. "Winky and Dobby! Stop that now, it's all right!"

Dobby and Winky were huddled in the corner, their hands over their ears and their bodies shaking violently. Both of them stood up and began beating themselves over their respective heads with a butter knife (Winky) and a saucer (Dobby). "Stop it!" I cried.

"But Dobby has displease Ms. Rowling, the wonderful Muggle writer who has done so much for him!"

"If you two don't stop," I said, "I'll sell you both to the Malfoys." They were as still as statues.

"Vol. De. Mor...mo..."

"Come on, you're almost there!" I called.

"VOLDEMORT!"

The door sprang open and a triumphant Hagrid stomped in, ready for breakfast.


	9. Whispers and Allies

**Chapter Nine: Whisperings and Allies**

Two hours later, we were dressed, fed, and back in court. Hermione and I sat at our table; the others were in the audience. Voldemort-as-Dumbledore was sitting in the judge's chair. Just as he was about to bang the gavel to start court, Hermione stood up. "Your Honor?"

"Yes?"

"We propose to settle outside of court."

Voldemort's cheek twitched ever so slightly, but he said, "Very well. I will agree if the charge-bringers do."

Sirius rose. "I agree."

"So do I," said Percy, with a puzzled look on his face.

"I agree," said Filch, who I hadn't seen in court before, "but we _are _settling this."

"I'm with Filch," said Snape, tossing his hair over his shoulder. I heard several thuds as five witches hit the floor in a dead faint.

"I don't," said a cold, drawling voice from behind me. I turned. Sure enough, it was Malfoy. "How can I assure she'll be reasonable without a court overseeing this? And she _has_ broken the law."

"Wait!" called a tiny voice from the back of the courtroom. Everyone turned and looked at Dobby. He ran down the center aisle and pulled on the hem of Malfoy's robe.

"What?" asked Malfoy, irritated.

"Former Master Draco must bend down so Dobby can whisper in his ear, sir!"

With a look I usually associate with the looks of tortured saints in stained glass windows, Malfoy bent down. As Dobby whispered, his look grew more and more scared. When Dobby finished, Malfoy stood up and said, fearfully, "You wouldn't."

"Oh, but Dobby would, sir."

Malfoy blanched, looked at Voldemort, and said, "All right. I'll settle out of court."

I nudged Hermione. She shrugged.

"All right. I'll leave it to you to settle on your own. Court is now dismissed." He banged the gavel.

I looked around the courtroom. McGonagall looked dissapointed that she couldn't argue in court any more. Three of the witches who had fainted had been revived. Malfoy's face was still as white as Dumbledore's beard. Suddenly, an owl flew in and landed on McGonagall's hand. I recognized it as one of the owls we had sent to the witches and wizards about the Diagaon Alley meeting. She opened the letter, read it, looked puzzled, and gathered up her things.

The night before, when Hermione and I had been hiding in her dormitory and hoping that by some miracle we would never have to look Remus and Sirius in the eye again, Ron and Harry had sent out the owls. The meeting was set for two o'clock that day.

"Could someone please explain what's going on here?"

It was Percy, looking confused and annoyed at the same time. "Yes, but not here," said Hermione. "Come with us, we're meeting back at Hogwarts."

We walked through Hogsmeade until we arrived at Honeydukes, not speaking. Once we arrived back at Hogwarts, we met the others in the Gryffindor common room.

"All right," Hermione said to Percy, "let me fill you in, and don't ask any questions until I'm finished. Voldemort's kidnapped Dumbledore. He's taking Polyjuice Potion to look like him, and he's been presiding over this whole trial. We think he wanted Joanne put in Azkaban for her books, because now all the Muggles know about him, and some of them might believe that her books are really non-fiction. He's got to have some sort of plan, or else all of us and Dumbledore would be dead by now. Jo, Harry, Ron, Sirius, Remus, Hagrid, and I sent owls to some people we thought could help us. We're meeting them in Diagon Alley at two o'clock."

Percy stared. "You're mad. You-Know-Who could never kidnap Dumbledore. He's too powerful, Dumbledore, and even if You-Know-Who managed it somehow, he couldn't get away with it. Besides, Fudge says he doesn't believe he's really risen again."

"This may come as a shock, Perce, but Fudge is a prat," said Ron.

"Yeah, and if Voldemort hasn't risen again, perhaps you'll explain why Cedric Diggory's dead," said Harry. A hush fell over the room.

"But...but Mr. Crouch said..." Percy stammered.

"He's dead too, because of his son who was one of the Death Eaters," said Harry. Then his face softened a bit. "Cone on Percy, we wouldn't lie to you about something like this. I know it's frightening, but it's true."

"All right," said Percy after a few seconds, "I believe you."

Remus spoke for the first time since we'd returned to Hogwarts. "Good. I'm honored to have you on our side. Now, I think the best thing for us to do is to rest until two o'clock. I have a feeling it might be a while before we can rest again. And there isn't really anything we can do before then anyway."

"Come on Percy," Ron said, "I'll have Winky get all your things from Hogsmeade. You can stay in your old dormitory with Harry and me."

"Why aren't you two in your own dormitory?"

"Long story," said Harry, his eyes sliding to Sirius and Remus and back again. "Come on." The three of them left for upstairs.

Ron's remark about Winky reminded me of something. "Dobby," I said, "what did you whisper to Malfoy in court?"

Dobby gazed up at me with his tennis-ball sized eyes. "Dobby wishes he could tell Ms. Rowling. But it is part of Dobby's agreement with Former Master Draco not to tell. If he finds out that miss knows, he might bring her back into court. Dobby will tell miss someday if he can. But let Dobby assure you, miss," he said, his mouth slowly spreading into a smile, "It is very good blackmail."


	10. Diagon Alley

**Chapter Ten: Diagon Alley**

At a few minutes before two o'clock, we stood in front of the common room fireplace with the Floo Powder. One by one, we threw it into the fire, called out "Diagon Alley!" and stepped into the flames. Hermione had the beetle jar with her.

I'd never been to Diagon Alley before. After I agreed to write Harry's book for him, he'd taken me to Hogwarts (where the real Dumbledore had graciously welcomed me), Hogsmeade, and the Dursleys. (Uncle Vernon was happy at first that I wasn't "one of those freakish types", but when he found out I was writing a book on those who were he ordered me out of his house.) However, I couldn't take any more time off of work, so I didn't have the chance to visit Diagon Alley. All the things I wrote about it came from Harry's descriptions.

It was even more marvelous a place than I had imagined it. Going past all the shops I had written about was like dreaming about a place and then discovering that it really existed. There were magical moving mannequins in the windows of Madam Malkins, displaying flashy holographic robes. The new Firebolt Superior was in the window of another shop, and there was a cluster of young wizards eyeing it wistfully. A witch with a stand on the corner was shouting, "Sorceress Serena's Magical Makeup! We're having a sale, only ten Sickles at the most!"

"Come _on,_ Jo!" said Harry, but he was smiling, and I could tell he was remembering how awestruck he had been his first time in Diagon Alley.

We approached the Leaky Caldron. Outside, a tall witch with blue hair and teal robes turned and stared at me. 'J.K. Rowling," she said, her voice filled with wonder. "Never thought I'd have the honor....I'm Azure Phipps, Ms. Rowling, pleased to meet you."

Now Harry was almost laughing. "Can you see what it was like for me, now?" he said. "Sorry, Miss Phipps, but we've got to go inside." He led me through the door.

"Hello, Harry," said the man behind the counter. "Got your owl. I'm going to give you the back parlor."

"Thanks," said Harry, and we went through the door the man was pointing to.

Most of the people we'd sent letters to were already there. The back parlor truly looked like a parlor; aside from tables, there were overstuffed armchairs, end tables with doilies, and a roaring fireplace. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were sitting on an emerald sofa together. "You must be Joanne!" exclaimed Mrs. Weasley. "I was so disappointed before that I didn't have the chance to meet you, but Harry said you had to get back to work....I'm so delighted with your books! Now, I don't want you to listen to any witches or wizards that don't like it and think that Muggles will take it seriously. Our kind has existed without Muggles knowing for centuries, and we'll keep doing it, no matter what you write. I was a bit scared, at first, when Harry said he was telling his story to a Muggle author, but the second I finished the first chapter of the first book all my fears left. You've done a wonderful job...."

"Don't talk her head off, Molly," said Mr. Weasley. "Hello, Joanne. I like your....what are they called again....the denim trousers with the metal teeth-like fastenings in front."

"Jeans," I said, smiling.

"Fascinating....now, what is this meeting all about?"

All the people in the room looked up at his words. I turned to Hermione. "Can you bear to go through it all one more time?"

She could.

"Well, I'm glad you came to us right away," said McGonagall, who was standing by the fire. "I have to admit, Ms. Rowling, I'm not happy that you broke wizarding law, but I did think it a bit suspicious that people wanted to make an example of you. I mean, it's a fairly obscure law, and it hasn't been properly enforced for a few thousand years. But that's a small matter now. Defeating Voldemort should be our only priority."

"We called you all because we know you all have the skills this needs," said Hermione, who was looking quite confidant, considering the circumstances. "Professor Snape, you've been a Death Eater, you can help us by telling us how they operate. Mr. Moody, you're going to be one of the best resources we'll have." I looked over at Alastor Moody, who was seated on a stool and kept glancing around suspiciously.

"We ought to establish some sort of chain of command, and give out assignments," said the ghost of Professor Binns, who was hovering by the door. "Some of us ought to return to the castle and spy on him. I volunteer myself...he can't kill _me_, after all. Now, I don't mean to be patronizing," he said, turning to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, "but I think that those who are still underage should leave the castle immediately and lay low for a while."

"I agree," said Moody. "Wherever they stay, they should have a Secret-Keeper."

"And a reliable one," said Sirius bitterly. Remus put his arm around him.

"They can stay at The Burrow," said Mr. Weasley. "Joanne too. No offense, but-"

"I know. I'm a Muggle, he can kill me far more easily. No offense taken."

"I think Professor McGonagall and Mr. Moody should be the ones in charge of this," said Hermione.

"I agree," I said.

"Let's put it ter a vote," said Hagrid. All were in favor.

"Then there's the matter of this beetle here," said Hermione. She held up the jar and explained.

"She can go with me," said Moody. "I'll figure out if she's a Death Eater or not."

"I think all the young ones should go back to The Burrow right away," said Professor Flitwick.

"I'll go with and put the charm for the Secret-Keeper on the house," said Moody.

"An' I'll send yer things over straight away," said Hagrid.

"All right. We should meet back here tomorrow for more planning," said MacGonagall. "The meeting is dismissed."

"Come on now Joanne, let's go home," said Mrs. Weasley. "It's going to be quite crowded, but that's all right. You and Hermione can share Ginny's room.


	11. Back To The Burrow

**Chapter Eleven: Back to The Burrow**

The first thing I noticed when I arrived in The Burrow, another place I hadn't had time to visit before, was that the Weasley's clock had changed. The usual nine hands had become fourteen; there were now hands reading "Harry", "Joanne", "Hermione", "Sirius", and "Remus". Twelve of the hands pointed to "home"; Bill's and Charlie's were pointed to "work".

"Now," said Moody, "this is going to be difficult. I think this is going to call for a Multiple Secret-Keeper Charm, because if only one person knows your whereabouts, then we're going to have some communication problems. Here's what I propose. Myself, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Sirius and Remus should be the Secret-Keepers for the children and Joanne." Ron scowled at the word. "That means that none of you underage ones can leave the house, or else Voldemort could find you. And it should be all the children in the house who have Secret Keepers. Sirius and Remus, are you two willing to go without any sort of magical protection?"

They looked at each other and nodded. "I'm going to do Memory Charms on all the Hogwarts teachers, so none of them will remember where the children are. Now if I could have the Secret Keepers come outside, please, and I'll perform the charm." They left out the front door.

"Children!" exclaimed Ron indignantly. "He makes us sound like a bunch of infants."

"Imagine not leaving the house until Voldemort's defeated again," said Harry gloomily. "No Quidditch practicing, no traveling..."

"What are you lot doing here?" It was Fred. He and George had just come down the stairs.

"Don't worry, Hermione, I'll do the explaining this time," I said. I did. They gaped.

"And all these people are supposed to be living in our house?" asked George.

I looked around. He was right, it was going to be quite a stretch.

"Let's see," said Ron. "Hermione and Jo can share Ginny's room. Harry can share mine. Percy can move in with Fred and George and give Sirius and Remus his room."

"Or Fred and George could move into mine," said Percy. "After all, they've got the two beds."

There was an uncomfortable silence. "I don't think Sirius and Remus will mind sharing a double bed," said Harry. The silence continued.

"All right," I said, "this is getting stupid. We aren't going to be able to have too many secrets if we're all living in the same house. Sirius and Remus are lovers. Anyone who has a problem with it can live with it, because there isn't anything else you can do."

Percy squirmed. I tried not to laugh. "Oh, and Percy, they've been known to have sex in other people's beds before, just to warn you."

His face turned as red as his hair. "Don't worry, Perce," said Ron. "I have a feeling we're all going to be too busy and stressed to think about things like sex."

I glanced over at Fred and George. They were going into silent convulsions.

The next morning, I awoke with Hermione's feet next to my head. We'd let Ginny have the bed, and were going to take turns each night.

Ginny's room was the smallest in the house, from what I could tell. When we were asleep, every inch of floor space was covered. There was a gentle knock on the door. "Come in," called Ginny sleepily.

Mrs. Weasley opened the door. "All your things came just came from Hogwarts, Hermione. Hagrid sent them. Oh, and Joanne, you've got your computer back. You know, the one the Ministry turned into a Portkey."

I sat up straight. I had my computer back. Now I could use my e-mail and IM to communicate with the Muggle world! They must be so worried about me. I leaped out of my sleeping bag, grabbed the laptop from a startled Mrs. Weasley, and turned it on. Sure enough, I had mail. It was from Lisa, my agent.

Joanne:

Where are you? Your husband and Jessica are frantic. I hope wherever you are, your computer is with you and you can receive this message. The press is having a field day, by the way. We had to turn in a Missing Persons report for you. Please answer immediately if you get this.

Lisa

I typed an answer.

Lisa, please tell everyone I'm all right, and cancel the Missing Persons report. I know you won't believe this, but the Harry Potter books are not fiction. A lot has happened, but now I'm at The Burrow and I'll have to stay here for a while. Joanne.


	12. The Long Wait

**Chapter Twelve: The Long Wait**

As soon as I turned off my computer, my stomach began to churn. I ran to the bathroom and was sick.

Hermione looked scared. "Are you all right, Jo? And you didn't even come near a broomstick."

I swallowed. "I'm fine."

Mrs. Weasley gave me a knowing look. "How many months?"

"Four," I said, a bit surprised.

"I had the same thing with Percy. Flying makes it worse....someone mentioned broomsticks and I felt ill."

"Could someone PLEASE tell me what's going on here?" asked Ginny, annoyed.

"I'm pregnant," I said. Ginny squealed.

"Oh, I love babies! That's one disadvantage of being the youngest, you never get to have a baby brother or sister. Do you want it to be a boy or a girl? What color hair do you think it'll have? I'll babysit any time you want....."

"Ginny, Ginny, calm down and let Joanne rest," Mrs. Weasley said. With a grateful look, I lay back down on the sleeping bag.

"Oh, you can't sleep on the floor anymore!" Ginny exclaimed. "I'd feel just awful. Here, take the bed, can I get you any more pillows?"

I was about to answer when Mr. Weasley burst through the door. His hair was uncombed and his eyes were wide and wild. "Molly! We've got to go, I've just spoken with Professor McGonagall, she wouldn't say exactly what was happening but it's got to do with You-Know-Who and it's very urgent! Sirius and Remus aren't to come, and we're to meet at Hogsmeade!" The second his mouth closed, he Disapparated.

"Stay here and don't leave, no matter what," said Mrs. Weasley. She Disapparated too.

Hermione was out the door like a shot. Ginny and I ran behind her. She raced down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Ron and Harry were sitting at the table. "Ron! Harry! They've gone, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, something about Voldemort, they had word from McGonagall. Sirius and Remus are supposed to stay here and no one's to leave. And I looked last night and there isn't any more milk and Joanne's pregnant and we don't know what the bloody hell is happening and we can't find out and this house isn't nearly big enough for this many people, no offense, and I'm so worried and scared!" With that, she burst into tears.

Harry looked very solemn, but worried. "I'll go wake up Percy, Fred, and George," he said. Hermione was still sobbing. Looking a bit awkward, Ron moved his chair closer and put his arm around her. "Stop it now, Hermione, nothing's going to happen."

"We don't know that!" she wailed. "We don't know anything! And if there's one thing that drives me mad, it's not knowing anything!"

Harry reappeared in the doorway with Percy, George, and Fred behind him. They looked at Hermione and Ron, and then at me. Muggle or not, I thought, I'm the only awake adult in this house (if you didn't count Percy, which I didn't). I've got to take charge.

"Hermione, calm down. Take some deep breaths. That's it. Now. Someone ought to get Sirius and Remus up."

Harry looked over at the clock. My eyes followed his. The hands labeled "Sirius" and "Remus" were pointed to, "Doing Things That Are None Of Your Business".

"Not me," said Percy. "I don't even want to think about the two of them and my bed."

Hermione suddenly stopped sobbing. She moved away from Ron's embrace, stood up, faced Percy, and slapped him hard. He yelped.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!" she screamed. "YOUR PARENTS ARE OUT THERE FIGHTING VOLDEMORT AND ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS HOW YOU DON'T WANT REMUS AND SIRIUS SHAGGING IN YOUR BED! WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR YOUR STUPID HANG-UPS! NOW GO AND GET THEM UP! NOW!"

Percy left as fast as he could. Seconds later, he returned with Remus and Sirius.

"All right," said Sirius firmly. I sat down, relieved that someone else was taking charge. "No one leaves. The best we can do now is stay as calm as possible and try not to worry. And, Harry, if you're thinking of leaving with the Invisibility Cloak, don't."

"I wasn't thinking of it!" Harry protested.

Sirius gave him the SBTMTTOIKYL. "All right," Harry admitted, "it did cross my mind."

By lunch time, there was still no word. Hermione had bitten down all her nails, and Harry's hair was sticking up even more than usual because he'd been compulsively running his fingers through it. Remus kept pacing the downstairs corridor and Sirius hadn't moved since after breakfast, when he'd collapsed on the sofa and buried his head in the pillow. Ron and Percy were playing game after game of wizard chess, and Fred and George had disappeared upstairs. The only one doing anything sensible was Ginny. She'd taken on the role of caretaker in her parents' absence, and she'd been busy making me tea, brewing a Foul-Tasting Potion for Hermione to paint on her nails, and trying to convince Remus to sit down.

Just as I was about to ask what we should be doing about lunch, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley walked through the door. Ginny squealed, almost spilling the tea she had been bringing me. "Mum! Dad! You're all right!" She thrust the tea at me and ran to throw her arms around her mother.

"It's all right, everyone, don't worry," said Mr. Weasley. Sirius looked up and breathed a sigh of relief. "Ron," said Mr. Weasley, "if you'll go and get everyone in here, I'll tell you all the whole story,"


	13. Agnes Riddle

**Chapter Thirteen: Agnes Riddle**

When we were all gathered in the living room, Mr. Weasley began to tell his story. I will recount it here as best I can.

First off all, he said, McGonagall apologized for not giving us information as to what was going on. Due to Moody's memory charm, she didn't know we were at The Burrow, but said she assumed Mr. Weasley knew our whereabouts and would pass on the message. Apparently, she had gone into her classroom that morning and found the ghost of Agnes Riddle, Tom Marvolo's mother, sitting on an empty desk.

Well, as you would expect, she was quite shocked, but she relaxed a bit once Agnes reassured her that she meant no harm and was, in fact, there to help McGonagall defeat Voldemort, who she referred to as "that stupid git whose conception I regret". She then instructed MacGonagall to gather all the others who had been at The Three Broomsticks, but specifically told her to make sure Remus, Sirius, me, and the underage ones stayed where they were. She would explain why in a bit, she said.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley met with Hagrid and the professors in McGonagall's classroom, and Agnes Riddle began to tell her story.

"It all begins with Rowena Ravenclaw," she said. "Now, you all know that the Hogwarts founders had their unique skills, and Rowena's was that she was a prophetess. A real one, Sibyll, who did NOT predict the death of a student every year." According to Mr. Weasley, Professor Trelawney had given a "Well!" look and McGonagall tried not to laugh.

"Due to the vast amount of time she spent in a trance," Agnes had continued, "she was unable to teach. Instead, she would pick the cleverest students to listen in while she was in a trance and record what she was saying. To be picked was a great honor. Now, Minerva, I believe that if you take your wand and tap that brick in the corner, you will find something."

McGongall had taken her wand and tapped the brick. It slid aside to reveal a dusty, cobwebby compartment about two feet wide and one foot high. Inside the compartment was "this book," Mr. Weasley said. He held up a tattered book with yellowing pages. Embossed on the cover was the title, "The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Rowena Ravenclaw, Witch".

"On the other side," Agnes had continued, "I can talk with all sorts of spirits. My own twenty-times great grandmother, for example. She was one of the students who wrote down Rowena's prophecies, and she was the sole witness to Rowena's creation of The Safe of the Future. Salazar Slytherin was not the only Hogwarts founder who made a secret place for themselves inside of the school.

"One of Rowena's prophecies was that the contents of the book should only be known to certain people." At this point, Mr. Weasley opened up the book to the back and showed it to us. It read, "To Be Seen Only By Those By The Names Of Potter, Riddle, Granger, Black, Lupin, McGonagall, Weasley, and Rowling. All Other Will Be Cursed From the Great Beyond."

I shuddered. Mr. Weasley continued. "Now," Agnes had said, "I want you all to know that I have no sympathy for my son Tom. As far as I'm concerned, he is no longer my son. My son died the day Tom Marvolo Riddle became Lord Voldemort."

Agnes had then gone on to say that many, many things in the wizarding world had been foretold in the book. "Like this, for example," said Mr. Weasley.

The book said: "Four shall come together, in a fraternity of the night. One is brilliant of mind; one is noble of heart; one is kind of nature, and one shall seek to end their happiness. The weakling shall turn traitor and the fraternity shall be dispersed. One shall leave this world for the next; one shall spend a dozen years of misery; one shall live a life of grief; and the traitor shall pay for his deeds."

I looked over at Sirius and Remus. They were holding hands.

"Or this one," said Mr. Weasley.

And the book said: "On a rushing beast of steel, an outsider shall receive word from a unique and powerful wizard, and on paper shall the two worlds collide."

"That's the owl post I sent Jo on the train!" said Harry.

The thing of it was, Agnes had said, that no one had ever been able to make any sense of the prophecies until after something had happened. For example, in Rowena's time, there were no trains, so the "rushing beast of steel" had made no sense. "But," Mr. Weasley said, "This part was of concern to Agnes." He handed the book to me.

I read: "A clever woman from the outside world shall beget a child, and the child shall be at risk more grave than it will ever know. The key to protection lies with two faithful canines, who shall never leave her side if the child is to survive unscathed. They do not know of their own power, but one whose name is never spoken has the knowledge they lack."

"That's why she wanted Sirius and Remus to stay behind, Jo," said Mr. Weasley softly. "From what we can tell, Voldemort is after your child. I don't think he wants you in Azkaban at all, I think he had other reasons for kidnapping Dumbledore and presiding over the trial."

"Lovely," I said. "Let's recap, shall we? I'm stuck in a house with a zillion people, I can't leave, I'm supposed to be guarded by Remus and Sirius and NEVER LEAVE THEIR SIDE (sorry lads, there goes your sex life), Dobby is blackmailing Malfoy, Dumbledore is captured, and we've got this book. Which no one ever made any sense of until AFTER things had happened."

I shuddered. It was going to be a LONG time before I finished The Order of the Phoenix.


	14. Two Wizards, A Muggle Woman, and One Bed...

**Chapter Fourteen: Two Wizards, a Muggle Woman, and One Bedroom**

That night, the question was raised of how sleeping arrangements were going to work. "I suppose we could move Ginny's bed into Sirius and Remus's room," said Mrs. Weasley doubtfully.

Percy looked irritated, probably because "Percy's room" had now become "Sirius and Remus's room".

"Of course we could," said Mr. Weasley. He pointed his wand at Ginny's bed. "Somnus Replacio!"

Sure enough, when I looked in the other room, Ginny's bed was there. "Good night," said Mr. Weasley. He and Mrs. Weasley left.

I collapsed on the bed, exhausted. "Well, this is a fine mess," I said. "God, Sirius, you must really hate me by now. I've interfered with your sex life no less than three times, you have to watch me have morning sickness, we can't leave the house....."

"I don't hate you," said Sirius. "You've been quite a nuisance, I'll admit...."

"Sirius!"

"Well, come on Remus, she has."

"That's not polite!"

"I have to watch her vomit every morning. I've think we've moved past politeness."

Remus wisely decided to change the subject. "What names have you got in mind? For the baby, I mean," he asked.

"Haven't really thought about it yet," I admitted.

"I always liked the name Julius. Or Julia, for a girl. IF I ever had a child, I'd name them that."

"IF," said Sirius.

"Admit it, you know you want them."

It seemed to be an old and repeated argument for them, because each line came from their mouth with no emotion and a well-worn fluidity.

"We can't have any until my name's cleared, anyway."

"After that, then."

"After that, Harry will be living with us. If he isn't grown by then."

"At the rate things are going, he will be." Remus turned to me. "Don't listen to a single thing he says, he wants them. You should have seen him after Harry was born. 'Oh look, he's got James's nose! Look, he's smiling at me! Lily, you must be so tired. Don't argue, of course you are, I'll hold Harry. DON'T ARGUE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE EXHASUTED!"

Sirius laughed the first real laugh I'd heard from him. "All right, Remus is right. I do, but I've got enough stress in my life right now." He lay down on the bed. "Well, good night, Jo."

"Good night."

Sometime in the night, I heard a knocking on the door. It was Hermione. "Are they asleep?" she asked.

"Yeah, they're asleep."

"Harry! Percy!" she called. "You can come in!"

Silently, Harry and Percy slipped in the door. "We thought we'd try to figure out the book a bit more," Hermione said. She opened it and rested it on her lap. "There's got to be something in here about how to defeat Voldemort."

Harry looked over her shoulder. "One of the problems is, nothing's in order. It's all scattered around. See, it predicts Dumbledore's defeat of Grindelwald, and then it predicts the building of the Chamber of Secrets. At least, that what I think it's predicting."

Percy looked at the book too, his eyes alert as Hermione turned the pages. Suddenly, her fingers stopped on one paragraph.

"Well, read it aloud!" I said.

She read, "A citrus fruit shall ward off the Dark Lord."

"Oh great, Voldemort will try the Imperius Curse and we'll whip out a lime to defeat him," said Harry, rolling his eyes. "I think Rowena Ravenclaw had breathed a few too many incense fumes when she thought up that one."

A thought struck me. "Lemon drop," I said.

"What?" asked Percy.

"Lemon drops! Dumbledore's fond of them. He must have known that they had some sort of power. Wonder how."

"But he's still captured," Hermione said.

Good point.


	15. The Prophecies

**Chapter Fifteen: The Prophecies**

Hermione kept turning the pages. "If she was so clever, why is this so disorganized?" she asked. Then she stopped turning and stared.

"What is it?" Harry asked.

Hermione handed him the book. I read over his shoulder. It read, "Well, Hermione, you try to organize it better then! R.R." I giggled.

"Here, give it to me," I said.

The next line read, "Well, Joanne, your turn is it? Try page forty-seven."

"Are we sure this book is safe?" Percy asked. "I mean, remember Ginny and Tom Marvolo Riddle's diary? This thing thinks for itself and we can't see where it keeps its brains. AND we got it from You-Know-Who's mother!"

"Oh, shut up, Percy," said Hermione. "Actually, we didn't get it from her, we got it from McGonagall. You know how she is about rules. She wouldn't have given us anything that had Dark Magic in it."

I turned to page forty-seven. It read, "A Muggle machine shall record the saga, but it shall twist the truth for no reason other than it was lazy and couldn't be bothered to dramatically build up the part where a giant tells the boy who lived of his destiny."

"It's the movie!" said Hermione. "Harry, Ron and I went to the premiere in the Invisibility Cloak."

"Totally ruined that part, too," said Harry. "The way they had it, it was like 'Didn't you wonder where your parents learned it all?' 'Learned what?' 'You're a wizard.' Hagrid didn't even know that I didn't know about my parents! Stupid Muggle director, you ought to sue him, Jo."

"Well, it was pretty good, as movies based on books go."

"Well, Daniel Radcliffe looks like me, anyway," said Harry. "You should have heard Ron when he saw Rupert Grint. 'He's too bloody short! I'm not short! And his nose is too little...' We had to clamp our hands over his mouth, the row behind us was staring funny."

"As soon as this whole thing is over, we ought to go and spy on the making of the third film," said Hermione. "And that Emma Watson! I wasn't nearly that much of a brat in my first year, thank you very much."

"Yes you were," said Harry.

"Shut up...and they left out the Sorting Hat song! And the wizard's duel! At least the bloke who played Wood was gorgeous..."

"Wood's practically deformed-looking in real life," said Percy.

"It isn't his fault his nose got in the way of his cousin's Engorgement Charm," snapped Hermione. "Anyway, I hope they pick Ewan MacGregor for Remus." She fell back in a delirious mock faint.

"I hope so too," came Remus's voice from the bed. "God, he's gorgeous. Not skinny enough to play me, though."

"Well, they could fix that...I love Moulin Rouge!" said Hermione. "And when he sings..."

Remus swooned too.

Sirius sat up. "Do you MIND?"

"Sorry, love. You know I think you're every bit as hot as Ewan."

"I should hope so." He nuzzled Remus's neck. Percy averted his eyes.

I turned to Percy. "Will you STOP THAT?!"

"What?"

"You know perfectly well what. How would you like it if you kissed Penelope and Sirius and Remus looked away?" Disgusted I picked up the book again. Then I started to laugh.

"What?"

"Read this, Perce."

The book read, "Yeah, Percy, get over it! Godric Gryffindor was gay too, you know. And you spent seven years living in the house named after him and you survived. Good Lord, I'm ashamed of you. Someone as intelligent as you and you can't get over the fact that two men can be in love. I've foretold the creation of emoticons, and if I knew the eye-rolling one, I'd insert it here."

Harry snickered. "Here, can I see the book?" Remus asked.

Percy passed it to him. As Remus reached for it, he clamped his hands over Percy's. "There, you've touched a gay person and survived. You haven't got AIDS and you haven't turned queer yourself."

"Don't be so hard on him, Remus," said Sirius.

Percy stood up. "I'm going back to bed."

"Good riddance," Harry mouthed at me. Percy left.

"It's not his fault he's an ignorant git," Sirius said.

"Well, he's gone now, and I don't feel like talking about him any more," Remus said. He read aloud from the book.

"Good thinking, Remus. Look at page one hundred and eight-four." He thumbed through the book and read, "The answer to conquering the Dark Lord lies in thoughts."

He looked at the book exasperatedly. "Come on Rowena, can't you give us something else?"

"No," said the book. "I trust you're all bright enough to figure it out. I'm closing now for the night. Goodbye." Remus pulled out his fingers just before the book snapped shut.

"Thoughts?" said Hermione. "How are we supposed to defeat him with thoughts?"

"Hell if I know, you lot are the wizards," I said, climbing back into Ginny's bed.

"We should probably sleep on it and figure it out in the morning," said Sirius.

Harry and Hermione took the hint. They said goodnight and left.

In the morning, we told Mr. Weasley what we had figured out about the lemon drops, and he went to the store (with Hermione's Muggle money) to buy some.

"They can't have that much protection, though," said George. "Or else Dumbledore wouldn't have been captured."

"Well, they're better than nothing," said Ginny. At that moment, Mr. Weasley returned from the store with five large bags.

"Fellow behind the counter thought I was mad," he said. "Don't blame him, really."

Fred and George cautiously took a drop each and put them in their mouths. They sucked for a minute in silence. "What do they do?" Fred asked.

"They taste like lemons," I said.

"They don't taste like cockroaches or earwax or anything?" asked George.

"No."

"They can't engorge someone's tongue or turn them into a canary?"

"Sorry."

"Candy that tastes like lemons!" exclaimed Mr. Weasley. "What will these Muggles think of next?"


	16. Negotiations

**Chapter Sixteen: Negotiations**

At that moment, a large gray owl flew in the window with a letter tied to his foot. When he landed, Mrs. Weasley took the letter and read it aloud.

"Ms. Rowling:

Please meet with us using the Cerebellum Inferno Charm so that we can begin to settle out of court at ten o'clock today. We are at Malfoy Manor.

Sincerely, Severus Snape, Argus Filch, and Draco Malfoy."

There was another note too, from Moody: "They gave this to me assuming I'd know your whereabouts. A.M."

"What's the Cerebellum Inferno Charm?" I asked.

"The one where people see your head in the fireplace," Sirius said.

"Do you suppose it's safe?" I asked Mr. Weasley.

"I should think so," he said. "They won't be able to tell where you are, only that you're somewhere with a wizard fireplace. And Remus and Sirius needn't do the charm too- after all, you'll still be here with them, it's just that your head is appearing somewhere else."

"I wonder how much Snape is on our side," pondered Harry. "He knows about what Voldemort's done, but he still is angry with Jo. You'd think at the very least he'd put off settling until Dumbledore's back."

"Probably thinks things won't turn out in his favor if Dumbledore's around," said George.

"I say," said Fred suddenly, "where's Percy?"

We all looked around. He was nowhere to be seen. "I do hope he hasn't left the house," said Mrs. Weasley nervously. She went to the foot of the stairs and called his name. There was no answer. Even Fred and George looked worried.

My stomach began to pitch, and I raced for the bathroom, Sirius and Remus following. Sirius handed me a tissue when I was finished. "Thanks," I said, grateful. He nodded.

Back in the kitchen, there was still no sign of Percy. "It's almost ten o'clock," Ron said. "You'd better go and do the charm."

Remus, Sirius and I walked into the living room. Remus lit the fireplace and Sirius took out his wand. Pointing it and me, he said, "_Cerebellum Inferno Malfoy Manor._"

I felt dizzy and the next thing I knew, I was looking past flames and into an ornate antique living room. Sitting in an overstuffed violet armchair was Malfoy, with Snape on his right and Filch on his left. None of them offered any greetings.

"All right," I said, "let's get down to business."

"I want a thousand Galleons in damages and a disclaimer at the beginning of all new copies of each book," Snape said.

"Disclaimer yes, Galleons no," I said.

"I want my character changed," said Filch.

"Why," I said, "You know it's all true."

"I am NOT a Squib!"

"All right then, if you're not a Squib, turn Malfoy into a cockroach," I said. He looked flustered. "See, told you."

"Maybe my magical abilities are not quite up to snuff..."

Snape snorted with laughter. Filch glared at him.

"_I_," said Malfoy authoritatively, "want my character reflected in a positive light as an excellent student and Quidditch player who is rightfully proud of his pureblood ancestry and recognizes inferiors when he comes across them."

"Dream on," I said. "That's got nothing to do with any laws. The laws I was brought to court for breaking had to do with my stories changing the truth. And you're the character I changed the least."

"If you don't do it," hissed Malfoy, "I'll...."

"If you don't stop threatening me, Draco babe, I'll get Dobby to make public whatever secret it is that he has about you."

"No one would believe it," said Malfoy, but he looked nervous.

"I wouldn't be so sure," I said. I addressed them all. "The disclaimers I'll go with," I said. "It's an archaic and stupid law, but it's yours and I broke it, so I'll add disclaimers. Filch, it's not my fault you're a Squib. Malfoy, it's not my fault you're an elitist scumbag. Snape, it's not my fault you're a failed Playwitch model who, from what I've heard, could use a few implants in his..."

"BUT I'M NOT UGLY!" Snape roared. "YOU'LL CHANGE THAT!"

"The law doesn't say I have to," I said. "It says I either have to tell the truth or add a disclaimer, and I'm adding a disclaimer. If you don't like it, we can go back to court. Now, gentlemen, if you'd excuse me. Sirius? Could you bring me back now?"

Within the second, I was back in the living room of The Burrow. The whole Weasley family, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus were standing around me with grave looks on their faces. "What is it?" I asked.

Mr. Weasley held up the clock. The "Percy" hand was pointed to a large, curly question mark.

Mrs. Weasley held up a note. I read it. "Dear Mum and Dad," it read. "I've gone. Don't expect me back. No matter what happens, I never meant to cause you pain. Percy."


	17. The Lovers well, all right, Snoggers Are...

**Chapter 17: The Lovers (well, all right, Snoggers) are Discovered!**

Mrs. Weasley was in hysterics. "What can he have been thinking!" she cried. "He knows he's not supposed to leave the house...what if he's gone out to try and defeat Voldemort by himself? You all know how ambitious he is...oh, we never had this problem with Bill or Charlie..." She collapsed on the couch, a mess of tears.

Mr. Weasley turned to the (sorry, Ron) children. "I think all the adults need to have a discussion," he said. They retreated silently.

"I'm not quite sure what we should do," he said. "If we leave, we're in danger. If we stay, we might be in danger. I'm thinking we should opt for possible danger over danger and stay here."

I nodded. So did Sirius and Remus. The three of us went upstairs.

Harry, Ginny, Fred, and George were sitting in Ginny's room. "Never thought he'd be this thick," said George.

"Never thought he'd break a rule, either," said Fred.

"We can't think about it too much," said Ginny in a high voice. "We've got to just do normal things, or we'll all go mad."

"She's right," said Sirius. "I saw it all the time in Azkaban. Dwell on the bad things, and you're finished."

Fred and George stood up. "Guess we'll go cause havoc and turmoil, then" Fred said.

"Wait a minute," Harry said when they had left, "where's Ron and Hermione?"

"Don't tell me they've left too!" cried Ginny.

"Let's look at the clock," I said.

The five of us raced downstairs and into the kitchen. The second we arrived, Sirius began to laugh. "What?" asked Remus.

Sirius pointed at the clock. The "Ron" and "Hermione" hands were pointed to, "Snogging Furiously On Ron's Bed".

Harry snorted. "I knew those two fancied each other!" he said.

"Oh, that's bright of you," said Ginny sarcastically.

"Do you suppose we ought to go and interrupt things before the hands change to 'Doing Things That Are None of Your Business'?" I asked.

"Yes, but subtly," said Remus. "Follow my lead." He climbed the stairs and we followed him. "I say, does anyone know where Hermione and Ron have gone to?" he said in a loud voice.

"Oh, _that's_ subtle," muttered Sirius. Remus elbowed him.

"Perhaps they're having a serious and academic conversation," said Harry. Ginny went into convulsions.

The door to Ron's room burst open. "All right, very funny," said Ron, his face as red as his hair. Ginny and Harry collapsed in the stairwell, laughing uncontrollably.

"Don't worry, Ron, I sympathize," said Sirius.

"Hermione, it's safe, you can come out," called Remus. Hermione appeared a second later, her hair even more disheveled than usual. This, of course, made Harry and Ginny laugh even harder.

At Ginny's insistence, we decided to distract ourselves from the situation with Percy, and at Hermione and Remus's insistence, we all ended up watching "Moulin Rouge" on the DVD player that Mr. Weasley had bought, Fred and George included. Their presence made the movie particularly interesting.

"I don't recall Zidler having purple hair," said Sirius suspiciously.

"Well, he does now," said George.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!" Remus and Hermione screamed. "_Ewan is singing._"

Ginny was braiding Hermione's hair into cornrows, something she had learned from Lee Jordon. The end of each braid had gold and red Gryffindor beads.

I screeched.

"What!" shouted Ron, alarmed.

"Look at my nails! They're chipped!"

Sirius, Remus, Harry, Ron, Fred, and George let out a collective male groan.

Ginny pointed her wand at my nails. "_Vernis Obliviate!_" The old polish vanished.

"Thanks!" I said, a bit surprised.

"I've got some more polish in that box over there," Ginny said, pointing.

I selected a silvery shade called Pensieve. The second after it touched my nails, it dried. I looked back at the screen, where the Narcoleptic Argentinian was tangoing with an alligator in a ballet tutu. My eyes shot over to Fred and George.

Mr. Weasley stuck his head in the door. "Jo, your compuatater is making funny noises."

"I'll be right back," I said.

I had e-mail, I discovered.

Jo:

I should have known something like this was going to happen. Between the stress of pregnancy and the book, it's not your fault you're going a bit mental. Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you.

Lisa.

I angrily typed back.

Lisa:

I AM NOT MENTAL! I know it sounds that way, but I am really at The Burrow and Voldemort is really after me. If you've told Neil and Jessica that I've gone mad, I'll sic Remus on you some night when the moon is full.

Jo.

"That is, if I agree to be sicced," said Remus. "That reminds me...Sirius, I haven't taken the potion yet, could you make some for me?"

"The potion?" I asked.

"Dachsbane," Remus said. "We can brew it back where the others are, because I know Sirius would be _so _disappointed if he missed anymore of Ewan." He grinned. Sirius gave him the SBBQOYSOTCL.

We collected the ingredients and a cauldron, then went back upstairs to boil the potion with one of Hermione's jar flames.

Remus gulped it down. "God, I hate this stuff," he said.

"Well, it's better than turning into a mad weiner dog," Ron said. Sirius and Remus glared at him. "What? What did I say?" he protested.

"The _term_ is dachshund," said Sirius coldly.

"Do you know," Remus said, "how embarrassing it is to be a gay man who turns into a WEINER DOG?!"

"Good thing it's not a hamster," Sirius said.

"SIRIUS!"

"Well, it could be worse."

At that moment, the Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Rowena Ravenclaw, Witch, hopped across the room and landed at my feet. I picked it up, and the pages fluttered to page 8.

I read aloud. "R is above S in the alphabet, and that is how it shall always be."

"Look, Rowena," said Harry, "I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything, but for once could you give us a prophecy that isn't so bloody cryptic?"

The book flipped to page 322 and jumped into Harry's hand. He read, "Sorry, but no, I couldn't. You try writing coherent prophecies when you're in a trance, Salazar is sneaking snakes into the castle, Helga is trying frantically to teach, and Godric is sticking to his boyfriend like a magnet." It slammed shut again.

"R is above S...maybe it means we're never supposed to have sex with you on top," Remus said to Sirius.

"Um, that was a _little_ too much information," said Hermione. Ginny was finishing the last cornrow.

The book flew into Remus's hands and flipped open. He read, "Sorry, but no. I really couldn't care less if you or Sirius is on top. No offense, dear, but I had better things to do than predict your sex life, thank you very much."

"Well, I should HOPE so," said Remus to the book as it shut.


	18. Rita Skeeter

**Chapter Eighteen: Rita Skeeter**

That night, we were all sitting together in the living room, sucking on lemon drops. Fred and George were working on a catalogue that they were making for all their tricks. Ron and Hermione were playing wizard chess. Harry was reading _Quidditch Through The Ages_, and Ginny was knitting. (Already, I noticed, her stitches were more even than her mother's.) Sirius and Remus were sitting at the desk in the corner, each consulting the book of prophecies and taking notes. Mr. Weasley was reading The Daily Prophet, and Mrs. Weasley was reading Witch Weekly.

I yawned. "Well, I think I'm going to bed," I said. "Can I use the shower first?"

"Certainly, dear," said Mrs. Weasley.

I started to leave the room, but a loud cough stopped me. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Sirius said.

I groaned. "Don't tell me you two have to be in the shower with me!"

"Probably not _in_ it," said Remus, "but I think we'll have to stand outside."

"Outside the bathroom or outside the shower?"

"Outside the shower."

Rolling my eyes, I left the room. They followed me upstairs, to where I got some of the clothes Mrs. Weasley had loaned me. She had given me the most recent of her maternity robes, last used when Ginny was in utero. Although they were a tad shabby, they were a nice aqua color.

"Just don't look," I said to Remus and Sirius as we walked into the bathroom.

"Like we'd want to," said Sirius.

"Good point."

The water was warm and soothing. I let it run down my skin, washing away all the stress and anxiety. Finally, though, I had to turn the water off.

"Hand me a towel," I said. Sirius's hand reached through the shower curtain with a white towel. "Thanks." I dried off.

"Now, could one of you hand me my clothes?"

"They're going to get quite damp in there," said Remus. "Just come out, we'll face the other way."

Hesitantly, I stepped out of the shower. True to Remus's word, he and Sirius had their backs to me.

Just as I finished dressing, I heard a sharp knock at the front door. Remus turned to me, a scared look on his face. "I just hope that's Moody," he said.

Cautiously, we went into the living room. Mr. Weasley was looking through the peephole. "It's Rita Skeeter," he said.

"God, don't let her in," said Harry.

"Annoying meddling idiot," said Ron.

"Ask her what she wants," said Hermione.

Before Mr. Weasley could ask, Rita Skeeter answered the question on her own. "You've got to let me in!" she cried. "I've got a letter from Moody...it's terribly urgent...if you value your lives, let me in!"

I couldn't tell if she was being serious or dramatic, but apparently Mr. Weasley didn't want to risk it. He opened the door and let her in.

Rita was holding a letter in her lime-color-nailed hands. She was terribly out of breath. "This...it's from Moody...says that he knows I'm not a Death Eater...(gasp)...you've got to leave...leave now...Voldemort knows you're here..."

Mrs. Weasley jumped out. "Knows we're here? How could he have known that?" But the door opened for a second time, and her question was answered.

"P-P-P-Percy!" Hermione gasped.

Standing in the doorway was Percy, with Lucius Malfoy and Walden Macnair by his side.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" Ginny screamed.

"Ginny...it's for the best...the Dark Lord doesn't want to hurt you or anyone else here...all he wants is to tell the truth..."

"The TRUTH!" yelled Ron. "The truth is that he's a murdering, evil -"

"The Dark Lord has only murdered those who were too blind to see the truth," said Percy.

"SHUT UP!" Harry screamed. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Percy nodded to Macnair. The Death Eater raised his wand, and suddenly all of us were handcuffed, Rita Skeeter included.

"Everyone listen to me," said Percy, over Mrs. Weasley's sobs. "No one will get hurt. No one will die. All Voldemort wants is to defend himself from the Ravenclaw heir..."

"What has Ravenclaw got to do with anything!" I demanded.

"Everything," said Malfoy. "A new heir to the line of Ravenclaw is being formed as we speak. A new heir that prophecy has foretold to be greater than even Rowena Ravenclaw herself." He looked hard at me.

"No," I said, a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"Yes," said Macnair.

"But I'm a Muggle," I said. "My daughter Jessica is a Muggle. My whole family's Muggles. How could this baby be a wizard or witch, much less the heir of Ravenclaw?"

"All will be explained," said Percy.

And suddenly, the words of the book of prophecies came back to me. "Four shall come together, in a fraternity of the night. One is brilliant of mind; one is noble of heart; one is kind of nature, and one shall seek to end their happiness. The weakling shall turn traitor and the fraternity shall be dispersed. One shall leave this world for the next; one shall spend a dozen years of misery; one shall live a life of grief; and the traitor shall pay for his deeds."

"It's not the Marauders," I said.

"What isn't?" said Hermione, bewildered.

"The prophecy. The one about four coming together in a fraternity of the night. It's about us, about the night we were up at night and looking over the book. Hermione, you're the one who's brilliant of mind; noble of heart, that's you, Harry; I guess kind of nature is me. And Percy is the one who seeks to end our happiness. He's turned traitor, just like the book said."

As Macnair magicked us out the door, I couldn't help but remember the last words of the prophecy. So Percy would pay for his deeds...but was one of us destined to die?


	19. Rowena's Story

**Chapter Nineteen: Rowena's Story**

Voldemort raised his wand, and the next thing I knew we were in a dark dungeon.

"Okay, Voldie," I said. "You'd better start explaining."

"Or else you'll do...what." It was Lucius Malfoy.

"No, Malfoy, Weasley has promised an explanation, and one will be given," said Voldemort. He looked at me. "Consider this your last request."

He began his story.

"When Rowena Ravenclaw was in a trance, at first there were no students there with her. The hut that belongs to Hagrid was originally built for her use.

"One day, as she spoke of her prophecies, a young Muggle man, lost in the Forbidden Forest, heard her. Her voice intrigued him; he followed the sound. When he knocked on the door of the hut, she came out of the trance and opened the door. 'Hello,' she said. 'I've just foretold that we are going to become lovers in the next fifteen seconds.'"   
There was a crash coming from the window. It was the book of prophecies. It flew at me and opened.

I read out loud, "It would have been sooner, but I needed at least fifteen seconds to take off my girdle. Hello, Voldemort, you old idiot. Don't try to read this, or you'll be cursed. Only people called Rowling, Granger, Potter, Weasley, Lupin, Black, and Riddle are allowed to read it. And as I recall, you haven't been a Riddle since you were eighteen."

"May I continue?" asked Voldemort, irked.

"Yes."

"And I _will_ find a way to read that book."

"My lord, I advise against it," said Malfoy. "It is too dangerous."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," said Voldemort.

Hermione snorted.

"What is it, you foolish Mudblood girl?" asked Voldmort, glaring.

"Nothing....Darth."

"WHAT IS IT!?"

"You just quoted Darth Vader.

"WHO?"

"Darth Vader."

No reaction.

"Darth Vader...he's in Star Wars. It's a Muggle movie. The Muggles compare you to him a lot. It's quite interesting, actually. Both of you lost your mothers young, both of you fight against a scarred bloke who has a friend with a name ending in an _ahn_ sound and another friend who's a girl with distinctive hair - "

"SILENCE!"

"Well, you asked."

That was too much for Fred and George. They burst out laughing.

"Will everyone PLEASE shut up!"

"Oh, he said please. Lovely manners, Voldie," said Ron.

Voldemort glared. "Ooh, he's GLARING," said Ginny. "He's got nothing on our Sirius, though. If looks could kill - "

"I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE!"

"All right, quiet down," I said. "I _did_ ask for an explanation."

"All RIGHT! Here's the long and short of it. They shag. She conceives. They get married. Slytherin freaks out because the man's a Muggle. The kid is born. It's a girl. She grows up. She's a Muggle. Her mum foretells that the girls one-hundreth descendant will be the greatest wizard or witch in the world, if taught by the Heir of Slytherin. Therefore, I want the kid to train. Any questions?"

"I've got one," said Harry. "When you were in the back of Quirrell's head, did his hair make your face itch?"

Voldemort tried and tried, but he knew no magic powerful enough to get us to stop laughing.


	20. Lemon Drop

**Chapter Twenty: Lemon Drops**

What finally made us stop laughing was that a strangled sound came from one corner of the room. I looked over. Remus's eyes were wide and he was starting to shake. Moonlight spilled through the broken window.

Within seconds, a dachshund stood in Remus's place. Being so small, he escaped from the chains.

"Get him!" Voldemort screamed. Lucius Malfoy lunged at Remus, but Remus bit him on the foot.

Now there were two dachshunds, both jumping around and yipping fiercely.

"Bite Voldemort!" yelled Harry.

Voldemort, hearing him, whipped out his wand. "_Expelliarmus_!" Sirius yelled. Voldemort's wand sped through the air and landed in Sirius's hand. Using the wand, Sirius cast a spell that released all of our chains. We were free.

Everything happened so fast that I had to be filled in later. Therefore, I will tell you exactly what happened, and not just my own perceptions.

Fred and George grabbed the lemon drops from their pockets and began throwing them at Voldemort. Angry red blotches broke out all over his face. "He's allergic!" George yelled. Fred sprang forward and, very boldly, stuffed a lemon drop down Voldemort's throat.

"His head looks like a giant Quaffle," said Ginny.

Meanwhile, Remus and Malfoy were wrestling on the floor and emitting high-pitched yaps. "What are they saying?" I asked Sirius.

Malfoy screeched. "You fool, I'll have you know that I'm blackmailing the entire Ministry of Magic," Sirius said.

Remus replied. "That's not going to matter very much if I kill you," translated Sirius.

Malfoy again. "My son Draco will avenge my death."

Remus: "Your son Draco is the stupidest git I ever saw."

"Sirius!" Hermione screamed. "Stop translating, transform, and get Malfoy!"

Sirius did as he was told. Plunging his teeth into Malfoy's neck, he threw him off Remus and into the corner. Malfoy was still.

Meanwhile, Macnair was trying to help Voldemort. He cast a series of spells, but the dark lord still writhed in agony.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, oblivious, were screaming at Percy. "You idiot!" his mother screamed. "Why can't you be more like Fred, George, and Ron?"

"Thanks, Mum!" called Ron, who was helping his brothers with the lemon drops.

"Why should I be more like Ron?" Percy whined. "He doesn't even study!"

"You think studying is more important than saving your sister's life?" roared Mr. Weasley. "I'm ashamed to even call you my son! At least Fred and George never got in as much trouble as this!"

"At least I have AMBITION!"

"Next to joining the dark lord, aspiring to open a joke shop sounds quite noble!"

"Does that mean you'll help fund it?" called George, hitting Voldemort right in the nose with a lemon drop.

"It most certainly does not!"

"We'll discuss this later!" yelled Mrs. Weasley.

Harry, mysteriously, had disappeared.


	21. Voldemort's Demise

**Chapter Twenty-One: Voldemort's Demise**

Rita Skeeter had been mysteriously quiet throughout all this. Now I noticed her standing in the corner. She yelled something at me, but I couldn't make it out over the din.

The room fell silent. Macnair had one arm tightly around Ron, and his wand was pointed at Ron's throat.

"Cure my master," said Macnair, "or I'll kill him."

"Don't do it!" screamed Ron. "I'd rather die than see Voldemort live! Don't worry about me!"

Hermione began to sob. "Ron...I can't bear to lose you..."

"Hermione, I _said_, don't worry about me!"

"You can't die...you _can't_...I love you..."

Ron's face grew serious. "I love you too, Hermione. But if there's a choice between me living and Voldemort's death, I'll take Voldemort's death."

Percy's mouth was wide open. "Macnair, you promised me no one would get hurt!"

"I'm afraid Death Eaters are not particularly known for keeping promises, Weasley."

Percy shut his mouth. He stared at the floor a minute, then raised his head. "Take me instead."

"No!" Hermione screamed. "Percy, you can't, not when you're just beginning to come back to our side." She addressed Macnair. "Take me."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" roared Mrs. Weasley. "I'll die in Ron's place."

"NO ONE IS DYING IN MY PLACE!" Ron bellowed. "Look, I'm touched that you're all offering. But I don't think I could stand living, knowing that one of you died for me. Fred and George....keep going with those lemon drops."

"You're sure?" asked George in a whisper.

"I'm sure," said Ron.

"We're going to miss you, Ron," said Fred.

"I'll miss you too. Keep throwing the drops."

However, before Fred and George could obey, Voldemort rose from the floor. Ginny screamed. His face was no longer red; in fact, he looked at the height of health. "_Accio wand!_" he shouted. His wand, forgotten in the struggle, came flying into his hand. With one curse, all of us were on the floor and unable to move.

He towered over me. "You fool," he said softly. "You thought a Muggle could stand a chance against the most powerful wizard in the world."

"Actually, that would be Dumbledore," said Mr. Weasley. Voldemort turned in his direction, livid.

"I AM TEN TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN DUMBLEDORE!" he screamed. "HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK I CAPTURED HIM? AT THIS MOMENT, HE LIES IMMOBILE IN HIS OFFICE!"

"No he doesn't," said a voice from the door.

Harry, Dumbledore, and Peter Pettigrew stood in the doorway. Dumbledore's wand was outstretched towards Voldemort; Harry's wand was pointed at Pettigrew, who was bound and gagged. "Let her go," said Dumbledore. "Or else I'll blast Wormtail into a thousand pieces."

"With my blessing," added Sirius, who was now a man again.

"Why should I care if a weak and talentless thing like him dies?" sneered Voldemort. "He has served his purpose. Kill him if you wish."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FOLLOWED YOU!" screamed Percy.

Rita Skeeter had managed to turn so that her head was facing me. She mouthed something. I squinted.

"I challenge you to a duel," said Dumbledore.

"I accept," said Voldemort. "Are we adhering to the Wizarding Codes of Honorable Dueling?"

"Of course," said Dumbledore.

"I'm his second," said Harry.

"I'll be Voldemort's," said Macnair.

Dumbledore and Voldemort paced in a circle, wands outstretched. "_Waddiwasi!_" roared Dumbledore. A lemon drop shot straight up Voldemort's nose.

Too scared to look at what was happening, I tried to look anywhere but at them. I glanced at my nails. What was that color of polish called? Pensieve.

A startling thought flashed into my head. I looked over at Rita again. Suddenly, I understood what she was mouthing.: "Use the Pensieve."

_"The answer to conquering the Dark Lord lies in thoughts...."_

"_Accio Pensieve_!" I screamed. But the voice was not my own. It was the primal, unrefined voice of my unborn child...

The Pensieve flew into my hands. Inexplicably, I was able to move again. I sprung up, grabbed hold of Voldemort's hair, and dipped his head into the Pensieve. He fell back onto the floor, motionless.

The book jumped over to me. "Jo! You figured it out! All his thoughts are in the Pensieve now. He's brain-dead. Nice job!" it read.

"But I'm still here," said Macnair.

"Not for long," said Ron. Pointed his wand at Macnair, he shouted, "_Mobilicorpus Azkaban!_"

Macnair dissappered. "That's amazing!" cried Hermione. "Where did you learn that one?"

"I read sometimes too, you know," said Ron. Hermione threw her arms around him.


	22. Rowena Explains It All

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Rowena Explains It All**

"Now there's the question of what we're going to do with Pettigrew," said Dumbledore.

"Let me at him," growled Sirius. Mr. Weasley, who was now able to move, as we all were, held him back.

"Send him to Azkaban," said Harry.

"But he'll be able to escape as I did," said Sirius.

"No he won't," said Hermione. "He'll lose his powers. You kept yours because you're innocent, and he isn't."

"Don't send me to Azkaban," whined Peter Pettigrew. "I was under Voldemort's spell...I had no control over my own actions..."

"Oh shut up, no one's listening to you anyway," Fred yawned.

"Can I _please_ curse him?" pleaded Sirius.

"No," said Dumbledore.

"Just one little curse...Body-Bind or something...._please_..."

"No."

"Can I, then?" asked Harry eagerly.

"Look," said Dumbledore. "He's going to the Dementors. Isn't that bad enough?"

"Not for him, the traitorous filth," said Sirius. Remus barked in agreement.

"Well," sighed Dumbledore, "I suppose..."

Half an hour later, a green-skinned, body-bound, massive-tongued, bald, wart-covered, pus-oozing, foul-smelling Wormtail was transferred to Azkaban. We all cheered. The sun was rising, and Remus was a man again.

I looked at Malfoy in the corner, now human also.

"Sirius...you didn't kill him, did you?" I asked.

Sirius walked over to Malfoy and checked his pulse. "No. He's just knocked out."

"Well, that's good, I guess," said Ginny.

The book hopped up and actually spoke. "Well," it said, in a lilting Irish voice, "I guess I've got a bit of explaining to do."

We all settled back, eager to hear what it had to say.

"First of all," it said, "excellent work, all of you. I suppose you'd like to know where you are. This dungeon is Salazar Slytherin's old office. It's directly below Snape's classroom.

"Second," it said, "About the R is above S thing...it means that Ravenclaw will always triumph over Slytherin. Third, Sirius and Remus, both of you have powers of which you are not aware. When the two of you are together, your combined powers are so great that no mortal harm can come to those in your care."

"Wish we'd known that when James and Lily were still alive," Remus muttered bitterly. Sirius put his arms around him.

"Third, the fraternity of the night."

"Is someone going to die?!" I exclaimed.

"No. Just listen. Hermione, you're clever of mind. You'll leave this world for the next; you're going back to the Muggle world until school starts again."

"You could have just said that outright," she muttered. "I thought I was done for."

"Harry, you're noble of heart. You've suffered for ten years with the Dursleys; sorry, dear, two more years of suffering left,"

"Great," said Harry, rolling his eyes.

"None of that, young man. I don't create the future, I merely predict it. Jo, you're kind of nature." The voice softened. "I know you grieve for your mother."

Blinking back tears, I nodded. The book continued. "Percy, you're the traitor who sought to end their happiness, and you're going to be punished for your deeds. No, not Azkaban," it said, noting the look on his face. "I've already taken the liberty of arranging your punishment."

Percy gulped, his face pale.

"Now that you're no longer in pay of Lord Voldemort, you're going to need a new job."

Percy nodded.

"I've sent in an application for you, and you're accepted."

His eyes began to dart around nervously.

"They expect you to start on Monday. Now, I know you're going to be upset..."

"Oh no, what?"

"...but it's for your own good..."

"Rowena, what's my new job?"

"...and you do deserve punishment..."

"WHAT IS IT!"

"You're going to be a photographer for Playwitch."


	23. Things Draw to a Close

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Things Draw to a Close**

Two hours later, at the celebration feast Dumbledore had hastily arranged in the Great Hall, we were still laughing at Percy's fate. "Honestly, Perce, I'm jealous," said Hermione as she passed Ron the peppermint humbugs.

"So am I," said Remus. Sirius nudged him hard. Remus threw a piece of bread at him. In response, Sirius pelted him with cooked carrot slices. I rolled my eyes.

Dumbledore had managed to get quite a lot of guests together. Neville sat across from Hermione, and McGonagall, Moody, all the other professors, and an assortment of students and alums sat at another table.

Percy, however, was not in a festive mood. "I can't believe myself," he said heavily. "I was such an idiot. I can't believe I actually joined Voldemort."

"Oh, cheer up, old boy," said Fred. "It's not so bad in the end. No one's hurt or dead. True, you made a total prat of yourself, but that's nothing new."

"Yeah, Percy, snap out of it," said George. "We're just glad you've seen sense. Here, have a toffee."

"Don't – " I started. But it was too late – Percy's tongue swelled so it resembled a killer slug.

"You know, that _is_ rather clever," said Mr. Weasley. "I think I might be able to lend – that's lend, mind you – a bit of money to start a business with."

"Thanks, Dad," said Fred, grinning.

"Yeah, thanks," said George. "Awfully nice of you. Suppose we'd better return the favor...don't eat that soup."

I was seated between Harry and the book. I turned to the latter. "Rowena, even if Voldemort doesn't train my baby, will it still be a great witch or wizard?"

"Oh, of course," said the book. "Maybe even greater than Harry here. Expect an owl from Hogwarts in another eleven years."

"Jessica's going to be awfully jealous," I said. "Speaking of Jessica, I'd better figure out how I'm getting – "

At that moment, my agent Lisa burst through the door and threw her arms around me. "Jo! I'm so sorry that I EVER thought you were mad, I was just going to call the police again when this owl flew through my window, and it was from Dumbledore inviting me to this feast...oh, hello there. You must be Sirius. I'll bet you're quite handsome when you haven't got broth splattered on your head."

Sirius grinned sheepishly. I handed him a napkin. "How's Malfoy doing?" he asked.

Before I could answer his question, a groan came from the corner. Lucius Malfoy stood up, his eyes slits of anger. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"You're going to Azkaban, that's what," said Ginny. "_Mobilicorpus Azkaban!_"

He disappeared. I looked at Ginny, impressed. "Nice job!"

"Serves him right for giving me Riddle's diary," said Ginny, shrugging.

"I'll say," said the ghost of Agnes Riddle, who was waltzing with Nearly Headless Nick on top of an empty table. She didn't seem disturbed about the fate of her son in the least, and no one blamed her.

We were interrupted by the sound of the door slamming. Fudge stormed in, looking livid. "Dumbledore! What has been going on here! Why was I not informed? Who gave you the right to preside over the trial in the first place? I'm the Minister of Magic!"

"And you're sacked," said Dumbledore.

"WHAT!?"

"You're sacked."

"By WHO?"

"Me."

"YOU CAN'T SACK ME!"

"Well, not technically. But I could tell about your little...how should I phrase this delicately..._interludes_ with Narcissa Malfoy. Oh, sorry, I just did."

"Oh, so THAT'S why Malfoy's mum always looks like she's got dung under her nose," said Ron.

Fudge turned to look at him, but spotted Sirius first instead. "Black!"

"You called?" asked Sirius lazily.

"I hereby place you under arrest!" Sirius yawned.

"I'm afraid you're a bit behind the times," said Remus. "Peter Pettigrew killed James and Lily, and now he's in Azkaban."

Fudge snarled angrily. Then he snapped his fingers, and suddenly Dementors began to glide through the room.

"Oh, hello, nice to see you again," said Sirius to the Dementors. "Hey, I remember you...have you cut your hair? It looks lovely..."

He smiled at me. "Watch this one, Jo."

"_Revealio Vetementsdisc!_" he shouted.

The Dementors' robes flew up.

"My God!" exclaimed Mr. Weasley.

"I don't believe it," said Harry.

The Dementors, underneath their robes, were wearing disco outfits. Peeves began to sing sarcastically toned renditions of the Bee Gees.

"_Obliviate Gitius plus Dementors!_" called Dumbledore from the teacher's table. Fudge and the Dementors disappered.

Lisa was gazing at Sirius adoringly. Remus caught her eye. "Sorry, he's mine," he said.

Lisa swore under her breath.

After the feast, we had an after-party in the Gryffindor common room. As I was talking to Remus, Mrs. Weasley approached me with my computer. "I went home and got this for you, dear."

"Oh, thanks. Too bad I can't use it in Hogwarts because there's too much magic around."

"Oh, that's a myth Minerva and I started so students wouldn't bring cell phones to class," said Dumbledore. "It'll work fine."

"Hey, Sirius, what was that thing you talked about in court?" asked Harry. ? Let's go to that!"

Everyone crowded around the computer. I started up the internet connection and went to the site.

"Hey, look at all the stories here!" said Neville.

"That's inta tha thousans'!" exclaimed Hagrid.

"I want to read some about me," demanded Remus. I put in his name for Character One and clicked on Go.

I scrolled down a bit. He read, "Remus falls in love with Minerva McGonagall..." He shuddered.  
"No way, who wrote _this_? She's way too old for me and I'm gay. Find one about me and Sirius." I entered Sirius's name for Character Two and picked Romance for the genre.

Both of them read over my shoulder, absorbed. "Hey," said Harry, "this one's got you two shagging in the Shrieking Shack! Like _that_ ever happened."

"Um...."

"Well..."

"Let me put it two you this way," said Sirius. "It was called the Shrieking Shack for a reason and it had nothing to do with Remus transforming."

"Moving along," I said, mostly because Percy was looking a tad green.

"Let's read some about Snape!" said Ginny.

I found his fics and we began to read.

The fic began, "Snape stepped into the shower, hoping that his new shampoo would produce an 'organic' experience." We snorted with laughter.

"I find that highly unamusing," said Snape coldly.

"Was it a Blast-Ended Skrewt?" I asked.

"What?"

"Whatever it was that crawled up your arse and died."


	24. Draco Malfoy, Closet Case

**Draco Malfoy, Closet Case**

After another few hours of (which included Hermione screaming, "Oh my God! This fic has Snape and me shagging on one of the Potions tables!", Harry asking "Who in the hell is Mary Sue?", Remus screeching, "Opium addict? I'm not an opium addict!" Snape yelling at the computer that his hair was quite sanitary, thank you very much, Ginny yelling, "I would not touch Draco Malfoy with a ten-foot broomstick! These people are sick!" Percy ranting, "Just because a person works hard to achieve does not make them a snob! And I NEVER slept with Oliver Wood.", Sirius saying in response, "Well, did you WANT to?" Percy saying that he did NOT, Sirius saying with a smirk on his face that he believed him, _really_, and Dumbledore trying to get everyone to shut up), we finally decided it was time to go to bed. Just as we were about to say good night and go upstairs (which Sirius and Remus looked very eager to do), I let out a yell.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Dobby! Someone go and get me Dobby!"

A few minutes later Dobby was brought to see us, wearing a pair of pinstriped trousers and a tuxedo shirt.

"All right, Dobby babe," I said. "I've simply got to know what you're blackmailing Malfoy with."

Dobby's eyes glinted with mischief. "Dobby has sworn not to tell, miss. But perhaps Wheezy could steal a certain book from Dobby's pocket and Dobby, being so little and powerless, could not stop him..."

"_Accio Book!_" yelled Ron. A leather-bound journal flew into his hands.

"Read it out loud," demanded George.

Ron sat in the most overstuffed armchair and opened the journal. We gathered around him.

"'The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy'...oh, this ought to be quite interesting. 'I, Draco Malfoy, being of sound mind and body' oh, that's questionable 'hereby start this journal. Things I write in here are my most secret wants and desires, which I swear never to tell another living soul.

"' The moment I saw him at Madam Malkins', my heart skipped a beat. The emerald eyes, the ebony hair...he inflamed my LUST'!" Ron yelped. "Oh my God! Malfoy's GAY!"

"I did notice him staring at me in the men's lav during the trial," said Remus. "Don't even know what he was thinking while I was his teacher."

"Nor do I," said Sirius.

Ron continued, his mouth so wide it looked like it would break his face. "'Harry Potter. The boy who lived. An enemy of my father's, and yet I could not stop fantasizing about him. How I longed to sneak into the Gryffindor tower one night and get into his bed. In my fantasies...'" Ron was silent, a shocked look on his face.

"WHAT!" we all screamed, anxious to hear more (except for Harry).

"I can't read THIS!"

"Give it to me," demanded Sirius. He took Ron's place in the chair and read out loud from the book. We gaped.

"Oh my GOD!" said Ginny.

"Is that even physically _possible_?" asked George.

"Oh yeah," said Sirius and Remus in unison.

"A THONG?" exclaimed Neville.

"Dobby, how did you get this?" I asked.

"Dobby had to return to Malfoy Manor last year to retrieve some things he had forgotten, miss. When he returned home, he found this book among his things."

"Keep reading!" demanded Fred. "This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard."

Sirius continued, "' And then there was the fantasy in which we ravished each other in the Chamber of Secrets.'" He stopped. "Okay, now _I_ can't even read this."

"Pass it over," said Remus. They changed spots. Blushing like mad, Remus read the next paragraph.

"Oh SICK!" screamed Ron.

"That's the kinkiest thing I ever heard of," said Percy.

"What I'd like to know is how Malfoy learned a lubricating spell," said Hermione.

"It sounds positively painful," said Dumbledore.

There was frantic knocking from outside. "Let me in!" demanded a voice that would have been drawling if it hadn't been so frantic.

"Should we?" I asked.

"Sure," said Harry. "The password's Voldemort, Malfoy," he called. "Or should I say, 'Draco baby.'"

An extremely red-faced Malfoy burst in. "I'll have you know I didn't write ANY OF THAT!" he screamed.

"Oh, we're sure you didn't," said Fred, smirking.

"You people are sick!" Malfoy screeched. "I NEVER said I wanted to shag with Harry on the Quidditch field."

Remus grinned. "Then how did you know that part was in here?" he asked. "I haven't gotten that far yet."

Malfoy let out a mighty scream and stormed out.

There's more, of course. The story will never really be over.

Dumbledore became the new Minister of Magic and the first thing he did was to clear Sirius's name. Sirius is ecstatic, of course...and he and Remus are looking into adopting a child, besides Harry, who now lives with them.

Hermione and Ron are quite happy. I got an owl from them last week, and it sounds like it's true love.

Mr. Weasley loaned Fred and George one hundred Galleons to start their joke shop. They're opening as soon as they graduate and their mother is grateful that they finally have something productive to do with their talents.

Lucius Malfoy has the smallest cell in Azkaban, and he cleans the toilets every four days. Peter Pettigrew has gone mad...well, more mad than he already was. I don't consider cutting off parts of your body exactly the sanest thing to do. Macnair is mad too.

Percy wasn't thrilled about his new job, but he's getting along fine at it. Oliver Wood is going to be on the cover of next month's issue....Percy swears he had nothing to do with it.

Malfoy was expelled from Hogwarts on the grounds of "being an evil little git." I heard he's been stalking Daniel Radcliffe lately. And speaking of Daniel Radcliffe, Harry, Ron and Hermione are going to spy on the making of the third film.

Fudge and Narcissa Malfoy eloped, once her divorce was final. Though I hear she's having an affair with Snape...Rita Skeeter reported it in The All-Seeing Eye, the tabloid she began with Trelawney.

Hagrid is being privately tutored by McGonagall and is going to be allowed to use magic again. Moody took the Pensieve, and is keeping it in the safe place.

And as for me, well, I'm sorry the fifth book has taken so long. But I'm working hard, and the book of prophecies is helping me...I took it home. You can find disclaimers in all the newer editions of the Harry Potter books. That is, if you use a microscope.

THE END

Note: Some of this is very odd, given things that have happened since OotP. I decided to leave it all as it was in its original form and only correct spelling and punctuation problems.

On a more humorous note, I didn't ship Percy/Oliver while writing this fic, but I do now. I've also started shipping Rita/Sibyll since this fic. Maybe the last chapter expresses my subconscious interests...

Thanks for reading. grins


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